Went like this... not much changes until the psych eval is done. After the psych eval is done then the court will make the decision based on the recommendations of the Dr. Yes it's still moving toward reunification and perhaps it will be the end of the month, but right now... nuttin'.
So they managed to get the oldest into the other school so they all will go to that school starting Friday. CFT tomorrow so more info on the plan, but now I have all of the kids home, so I guess that means I am not going to that one either.
Comtrans will be able to provide transportation, but this does come into a problem when my classes start, especially the Monday one. Frank has some Friday's off so he will be here for them but I am supposed to be at class by 7am and they don't have to go to school until 11am.... if worse comes to worse they will just have to go to daycare in the AM then be transported to school from there... yup probably what I will do. Ok.
Anyway, my Adoption worker called today with news on BOTH sets of kids I mentioned before. We are the front runners for the little girl, and we are being presented on the 26th to the panel for the little boys. So we need to get our family album together. They are very interested in us as well, I am sorta on the fence still until after I actually meet them though.
I received the disclosures for both sets about their backgrounds. I also have to fill out a "Why should we place this child with you" form. Basically it's pretty much just how can you meet the needs of this special child if she is placed with you?
To be continued...
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
It's like this...
I received a letter yesterday from the parents with contact info for them finally! In time for the court hearing today! Gosh I can't wait to hear what the actual plan is going to be.
However with that said, Why on earth do the parents get to enroll these children in school close to their homes if the children are not going home? So I say that yes they must be going home and soon. Because I will NOT be dropping them off or picking them up that far away everyday!! The school here is 1 block over! Yes 1 block. That is ride your bike close enough! Plus all 3 can attend as it is a very good public school with a great special education system. Of course I would not just enroll them, then make them switch schools... oh ya mean like their parents are currently doing? Because the oldest can't get into the school that they chose the older two, who have been attending school all week, will be changing schools too!
Seriously why bother then? School in the district that they currently live in has not even started yet so it's not like they are missing anything.
So yeah I am being a bitch about it and making CPS transport. Why shouldn't I? 42 miles round trip.. course that is better than the crap I dealt with at the beginning which was 76 miles a day round trip, of course that was because of my stupid big mouth.But this time NO because the point is, that a perfectly acceptable school is 1 block away and has not even started yet and would not have had the girls start school prior to the decisions of the court, then have to transfer!
PS: We are being highly recruited for a sibling set of 3 boys ages 10-15. While they are not in our wheelhouse of what we were thinking about at starting this process, I have not closed any doors and we have agreed to at least meet with them and see if we have a connection or want one. Who knows we could end up with that HUGE family I always wanted and then I'd really have something to complain about :-)
However with that said, Why on earth do the parents get to enroll these children in school close to their homes if the children are not going home? So I say that yes they must be going home and soon. Because I will NOT be dropping them off or picking them up that far away everyday!! The school here is 1 block over! Yes 1 block. That is ride your bike close enough! Plus all 3 can attend as it is a very good public school with a great special education system. Of course I would not just enroll them, then make them switch schools... oh ya mean like their parents are currently doing? Because the oldest can't get into the school that they chose the older two, who have been attending school all week, will be changing schools too!
Seriously why bother then? School in the district that they currently live in has not even started yet so it's not like they are missing anything.
So yeah I am being a bitch about it and making CPS transport. Why shouldn't I? 42 miles round trip.. course that is better than the crap I dealt with at the beginning which was 76 miles a day round trip, of course that was because of my stupid big mouth.But this time NO because the point is, that a perfectly acceptable school is 1 block away and has not even started yet and would not have had the girls start school prior to the decisions of the court, then have to transfer!
PS: We are being highly recruited for a sibling set of 3 boys ages 10-15. While they are not in our wheelhouse of what we were thinking about at starting this process, I have not closed any doors and we have agreed to at least meet with them and see if we have a connection or want one. Who knows we could end up with that HUGE family I always wanted and then I'd really have something to complain about :-)
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
The Final countdown
We were excited that school was starting, only to find out that the oldest one is NOT able to start school with the other two due to an issue with special education requirements. Not good. She being the one we really need the break from. The school denied admission to her based on her needs. So alternate locations are being sought to see if they can accommodate all 3. This should be reconciled soon! I feel bad for her since she is feeling so left out. She really wanted to go back to that school. Had they stayed here I would have just put them all in the local public Elementary school down the street. They have a great special education department in this district which is good for us in the future too.
Today they see the judge. Hopefully she see's it our way and that the girls would not benefit from a drawn out transition home. They just do not do good with the unknown and need concrete plans. New situations add more anxiety for the littles but it adds more anxiety to draw it out verses making it quick for the big one. Plus selfishly, I really need them to go home already. The oldest and I (and Frank) do not gel and I just can not take it anymore. Everyday there is more acting out, more of doing the same things over and over, now we have added, "well at my Mom and Dads house we could do that." I really wanted to say that, "yes you could, but that is why you were in foster care because those things are not safe." But really what's the point of engaging the behavior, it's what she really wants anyway. It sure has been great practice for, "what not to do in the future".
There are still concerns with the "situation" because one parent is still pretty much not there yet and probably won't be. The youngest had a panic attack at the idea of not being in the same class as her sister. The sympathy she got,
"... stop crying you'll mess up your bow." The girls had to be deprogrammed at the concept of everything having to be perfect throughout their foster care stay, let's just say that the "Mommy Dearest" concept is alive and thriving in some families still.
My adoption worker/placement worker is following up on the status today of our submissions to see if there has been any movement in them or not. We also should be starting the CDH training soon. But, either way, we are ready for the next phase, whether it be other children, or those children, we are just ready for different children.
Reset and begin again, hopefully we have learned somethings that we won't repeat this time. Hopefully *wink*
Today they see the judge. Hopefully she see's it our way and that the girls would not benefit from a drawn out transition home. They just do not do good with the unknown and need concrete plans. New situations add more anxiety for the littles but it adds more anxiety to draw it out verses making it quick for the big one. Plus selfishly, I really need them to go home already. The oldest and I (and Frank) do not gel and I just can not take it anymore. Everyday there is more acting out, more of doing the same things over and over, now we have added, "well at my Mom and Dads house we could do that." I really wanted to say that, "yes you could, but that is why you were in foster care because those things are not safe." But really what's the point of engaging the behavior, it's what she really wants anyway. It sure has been great practice for, "what not to do in the future".
There are still concerns with the "situation" because one parent is still pretty much not there yet and probably won't be. The youngest had a panic attack at the idea of not being in the same class as her sister. The sympathy she got,
"... stop crying you'll mess up your bow." The girls had to be deprogrammed at the concept of everything having to be perfect throughout their foster care stay, let's just say that the "Mommy Dearest" concept is alive and thriving in some families still.
My adoption worker/placement worker is following up on the status today of our submissions to see if there has been any movement in them or not. We also should be starting the CDH training soon. But, either way, we are ready for the next phase, whether it be other children, or those children, we are just ready for different children.
Reset and begin again, hopefully we have learned somethings that we won't repeat this time. Hopefully *wink*
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Yelling
How on earth do you change the habits of someone who yells ALL the time about everything?!? It's a product of his upbringing and no matter how much I remind him, he just thinks he is not yelling and raises his voice more. I am so tired of engaging this. I shut down and speak in a whisper and he thinks I am yelling at him!
If a grown man can't control himself, how does he expect to parent traumatized children who this can trigger? No matter how much we discuss it and he says he does better, every day, including in front of the current placement he just keeps doing it.
I am so sick of yelling matches! I know I need to disengage and just walk away, but it is a harpy and just keeps picking. He does it with everyone.
Have I made a huge mistake?
If a grown man can't control himself, how does he expect to parent traumatized children who this can trigger? No matter how much we discuss it and he says he does better, every day, including in front of the current placement he just keeps doing it.
I am so sick of yelling matches! I know I need to disengage and just walk away, but it is a harpy and just keeps picking. He does it with everyone.
Have I made a huge mistake?
Friday, July 26, 2013
And now we wait...
Wait to see what happens at court with our current placement. Are they going home next weekend? Will the transition be drawn out? What I think is they will be going home, sooner rather than later. But what do I know... judges are weird.
We are also waiting on our certification to be finalized for adoption. We are also waiting on the next batch of classes and training sessions for the CDH.
Most importantly we are waiting on the review of our homestudies by both sets of case workers on the prospective new members of our family to decide if we match enough to meet. Then we have to wait for another group to decide if we match enough to place!
We also wait and see if they do go home, how long it takes to fill the beds up... we can NOT be empty, it is just not feasible for long.
Waiting...
We are also waiting on our certification to be finalized for adoption. We are also waiting on the next batch of classes and training sessions for the CDH.
Most importantly we are waiting on the review of our homestudies by both sets of case workers on the prospective new members of our family to decide if we match enough to meet. Then we have to wait for another group to decide if we match enough to place!
We also wait and see if they do go home, how long it takes to fill the beds up... we can NOT be empty, it is just not feasible for long.
Waiting...
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Activity
There seems to be more in our case... probably because I registered on that website, but it's been months now yet we have had two unsolicited requests for prospective matches. Today's was an out of state request however. I don't feel like at this time our Adoption worker would facilitate an out of state adoption if we so chose to go this way. I don't know how to make them understand exactly what it is I am trying to do here. But this match is totally not for us.
As I started typing this our adoption worker called with info on the ONE that I did ask her to check into for us!!!! She does get it!! This little girl is a special needs child and EXACTLY what I dream about when I picture my 1st future daughter to be. She is 4 and was a victim of abuse but has an amazing smile!
She also was contacted about the boys again, she forwarded our Homestudy to them, and is finishing up our adoption certification. She said that transitions rarely take 2 months! So it's something to have as a plan to consider!
We could conceptually be the parents of 3 children ages, 3,4 & 5 by the end of the year!
As I started typing this our adoption worker called with info on the ONE that I did ask her to check into for us!!!! She does get it!! This little girl is a special needs child and EXACTLY what I dream about when I picture my 1st future daughter to be. She is 4 and was a victim of abuse but has an amazing smile!
She also was contacted about the boys again, she forwarded our Homestudy to them, and is finishing up our adoption certification. She said that transitions rarely take 2 months! So it's something to have as a plan to consider!
We could conceptually be the parents of 3 children ages, 3,4 & 5 by the end of the year!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
CDH
We will be starting some more training within the Foster Care licensure process. We have decided to become a Child Development Home. What that means is that we take in DDD children (Department of Developmental Disabilities) which allows a higher pay rate for our foster children so that hubby can stay at home. We will also then be able to put in more quality time with our adopted children, if and when we have some.
I am still not sure about the particulars surrounding the "boys" but because of the long transition required, two months, I am not sure that we can hold open two beds for that long. The only way we could do it is if we had at least 1 CDH placement.
It's a 21 hour training, part of which I may have mentioned that I have already completed. I think it may also contain the medically complex training that we have already also completed, so I hope that means that we won't have much to do.
I think the one thing that this placement has taught me is that I do want more children in the house, but I am partial to the atypical ones, or at the very least only want 1 typical one *wink*
I am still not sure about the particulars surrounding the "boys" but because of the long transition required, two months, I am not sure that we can hold open two beds for that long. The only way we could do it is if we had at least 1 CDH placement.
It's a 21 hour training, part of which I may have mentioned that I have already completed. I think it may also contain the medically complex training that we have already also completed, so I hope that means that we won't have much to do.
I think the one thing that this placement has taught me is that I do want more children in the house, but I am partial to the atypical ones, or at the very least only want 1 typical one *wink*
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Adoption Matches
Just got an adoption match request for 2 boys... Ages 3 & 5 due to our profile on a popular adoption website you may all have heard of. They are local.
Questions are: Am I ready for special needs boys who's issues are behavioral resulting from severe abuse along with medical? Well the older one, the younger has been in care since birth, however the foster parents do not want to adopt. Red flag?
Questions are: Am I ready for special needs boys who's issues are behavioral resulting from severe abuse along with medical? Well the older one, the younger has been in care since birth, however the foster parents do not want to adopt. Red flag?
Monday, July 22, 2013
Cancelled Visits
Little disappointed, sad, and angry faces stare back at me when I break the news to them. Oh how I hate cancelled visits. At first they ask why, yet I have no answer as to why, other than something came up. At which time they begin to make up excuses and imagine alternative realities where their parents are babysitting other children and can no come and see them. I explain that no they are not babysitting other children, maybe they have to work or have a doctor appointment or something. I can try right?
In this case this excuse may be valid but cancelling 30 minutes prior to the visit is still no bueno! Yeah guess who they will pass their passive aggressive anger out on today? Likely their first targets are always each other, then me.
The constant shuffle is so tiring!
In this case this excuse may be valid but cancelling 30 minutes prior to the visit is still no bueno! Yeah guess who they will pass their passive aggressive anger out on today? Likely their first targets are always each other, then me.
The constant shuffle is so tiring!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Happenings
School starts in 10 days. They have 3 day a week visits with parents currently supervised. In 10 days unsupervised visits will be allowed. Next week they have a meeting with the judge. We also have a visit from the CPS supervisor who is the case manager, but the , which seems odd since CPS was just here this week. Also we have court on the 31st, with another CFT on the 1st if needed. I think I have a meeting for work on the 30th as well and there is possibly an appointment with the psychologist one of those days that school starts too... perhaps the 30th? Not sure... lots going on, a lot of things coming for them
Transitional time = bad behaviors. The little one has decided she is going to be a picky eater, the oldest is acting out towards the little one, and the middle one has starting mimicking the words of the oldest phrases like, " I always do bad things." By the way that she has started saying it I am thinking that she is trying it out to see what kinds of attention it gets her. She is usually the rule follower, but she looks up to and is influenced by her siblings greatly, she also has a lot of pent up emotions that she needs to get out... which I think is reflective of her over reactions to small things, but she is usually pretty good at reclaiming her calm, so she is not all together disregulated. I can see a definite increase in the negative effect that keeping these three together in care is causing an will cause if it continues without permanency. Honestly, they really should have been split and had visits... I think the outcome when they go home is not going to be great if these behaviors go unchecked... of course maybe they won't have them?
Transitional time = bad behaviors. The little one has decided she is going to be a picky eater, the oldest is acting out towards the little one, and the middle one has starting mimicking the words of the oldest phrases like, " I always do bad things." By the way that she has started saying it I am thinking that she is trying it out to see what kinds of attention it gets her. She is usually the rule follower, but she looks up to and is influenced by her siblings greatly, she also has a lot of pent up emotions that she needs to get out... which I think is reflective of her over reactions to small things, but she is usually pretty good at reclaiming her calm, so she is not all together disregulated. I can see a definite increase in the negative effect that keeping these three together in care is causing an will cause if it continues without permanency. Honestly, they really should have been split and had visits... I think the outcome when they go home is not going to be great if these behaviors go unchecked... of course maybe they won't have them?
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
What? It was just my anger...
Can you tell these kids have been in therapy for a while? The sad part is that they, specifically the oldest, knows the right words to say, but then things are just expected to be solved with saying those words? Choking out your 6 year old sister is acceptable and easily forgiven because you realized you were angry she took a toy?
"No wait it is just that I have a tiny brain, or I always do bad things". These phrases get so old sometimes. I know she feels this way, but I am not going to fall into what feels like a manipulative trap and placate the behavior because she says the exact words she knows will turn our disappointment into feeling bad for her and trying to not break her fragile ego and self esteem more. But there comes a time where the safety factor and the escalation of behavior is just NOT going to be resolved with a simple time out.
Choking? I asked if she knew that it was very unsafe to do that, that is was very serious. She said she knew that if her sister died she would go to jail. Ok, but would you feel bad that she wasn't here anymore? No I just don't like that sister. WTF?
F/u discussion with her after lunch garnered this response, " If she died then whatever, she's a nothing."
I am really upset about this. I sent an email to the "TEAM" and would really like a response today... I really think they need to admit this little girl into a psych unit and finally evaluate her!
***Update***
"Oh poor oldest child she just hates herself so much she is using her sister as a scapegoat. She is talking about herself when she said, "She's a nothing." These are the words of the CASA (she has no background in psychology or anything) no one seems to concerned about the youngest child... it's a f'ing miserable case!
"No wait it is just that I have a tiny brain, or I always do bad things". These phrases get so old sometimes. I know she feels this way, but I am not going to fall into what feels like a manipulative trap and placate the behavior because she says the exact words she knows will turn our disappointment into feeling bad for her and trying to not break her fragile ego and self esteem more. But there comes a time where the safety factor and the escalation of behavior is just NOT going to be resolved with a simple time out.
Choking? I asked if she knew that it was very unsafe to do that, that is was very serious. She said she knew that if her sister died she would go to jail. Ok, but would you feel bad that she wasn't here anymore? No I just don't like that sister. WTF?
F/u discussion with her after lunch garnered this response, " If she died then whatever, she's a nothing."
I am really upset about this. I sent an email to the "TEAM" and would really like a response today... I really think they need to admit this little girl into a psych unit and finally evaluate her!
***Update***
"Oh poor oldest child she just hates herself so much she is using her sister as a scapegoat. She is talking about herself when she said, "She's a nothing." These are the words of the CASA (she has no background in psychology or anything) no one seems to concerned about the youngest child... it's a f'ing miserable case!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Reading and Training
I purchased a few books written by foster parents that I am currently reading... they are giving me some great ideas, while simultaneously scaring the crap outta me!
There are probably a million and one things I can write about things with the girls right now... but I don't have time and enough energy to write them out.
There are probably a million and one things I can write about things with the girls right now... but I don't have time and enough energy to write them out.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Pay day
Yup finally. OK now I can breath a sign of relief and things are better. Had some 1:1 time with the oldest today, she is MUCH easier as a singleton. I can see where she'd probably be pretty spoiled and great to have around if it were just her. But alas with everything else, yeah that would never happen. It does give me some perspective though.
The Drill Sgt Method
The Drill Sgt way of cleaning while making a point.... Dump everything from every box and bin in the toyroom, then sweep everything into 1 big pile, then make them sort and clean it up. It may sound mean but it's really the best way to make 1 chaotic mess seem more manageable... how many times have you looked at something and had no idea where to start?
I call this pile cleaning and actually do it with any big job. I wonder if my children still do this?
I call this pile cleaning and actually do it with any big job. I wonder if my children still do this?
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Just when...
You get into a grove things change again. Who knows what will happen, but I found out that despite the things that we were working towards, the agency dropped the ball on the specifics that we chose, so our next batch of kids, probably won't be exactly what we are looking for either. However, school will be starting so that may take some of the stress off and if I have to pick up some extra shifts somewhere to make ends meet then I guess I will, although if they give us a rate similar to what we get now, when we actually get it that is, then we will be ok... although it seemed we got hit with a $600 electric bill last month and those are not even the PEAK prices... WTF?
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Another CFT
Had a meeting today for the girls to discuss the plan. Lots of increasing visits on the horizon. Dad seems very on-board and even complimentary toward everything we have been doing for the girls. I think Dad was just overwhelmed with the girls and did not know how to parent, I think he has learned alot and the Mom not so much. She wasn't there again today.
Court is in a few weeks to decide if the girls will go home or not but everyone seems on the same page with reunification at this point for the girls.
Where does that leave us? Well we have already had some movement on adoption certification and our worker will be looking into one little girl in particular and then we will move toward foster placements as well.
We have not made any hard and fast decisions as of yet, but marriage wise we are in a better place.
Court is in a few weeks to decide if the girls will go home or not but everyone seems on the same page with reunification at this point for the girls.
Where does that leave us? Well we have already had some movement on adoption certification and our worker will be looking into one little girl in particular and then we will move toward foster placements as well.
We have not made any hard and fast decisions as of yet, but marriage wise we are in a better place.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Melted a little ice around my heart
The little said to me yesterday that she wished she could stay with us because I am nice and her sisters and parents are mean to her. She then let lose on just how mean, which I already knew, but it was nice to hear that at least 1 child has started to bond and that I am not all bad.
I have been trying to open my heart a bit more, but I knew from the start that I was not keeping them and well the idea of totally being in-love with these girls and losing them... well I don't know how just yet to do it.
I think it comes with practice and experience, I am sure in the beginning every new foster parent feels overwhelmed and wonders how on earth they can do this and probably questions daily just how much they really want it.
There are so many adjustments and so we will keep plugging along. Because as a nurse what makes my day is helping 1 patient a day that I know I made a difference for. I think I just may have found the one.
Big news yesterday on the plan for the end of the month, not all good, and I have some concerns about transition visits home, but we will work within the system as much as we have to.
I have been trying to open my heart a bit more, but I knew from the start that I was not keeping them and well the idea of totally being in-love with these girls and losing them... well I don't know how just yet to do it.
I think it comes with practice and experience, I am sure in the beginning every new foster parent feels overwhelmed and wonders how on earth they can do this and probably questions daily just how much they really want it.
There are so many adjustments and so we will keep plugging along. Because as a nurse what makes my day is helping 1 patient a day that I know I made a difference for. I think I just may have found the one.
Big news yesterday on the plan for the end of the month, not all good, and I have some concerns about transition visits home, but we will work within the system as much as we have to.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
The big question
Our adoption worker called today and wanted to know how I was doing and if we were still on board for an adoption and wanted to continue the process.
Are we? Has this case changed me? I thought about it and thought, well yes I miss being able to just take off and go to a movie with my husband. I miss not having to have a babysitter. Although I like having children and want children... I think? I don't want behavior children or psychotic children who try and kill the dogs or their siblings or parents either.
I think I just want to foster medically fragile children and that is all.
Halfway through writing this we had lunch, then after lunch there was an issue with the oldest. I called my licensing worker and pretty much let her have it. I cannot deal with a child who I have to keep the dogs away from.
Are we? Has this case changed me? I thought about it and thought, well yes I miss being able to just take off and go to a movie with my husband. I miss not having to have a babysitter. Although I like having children and want children... I think? I don't want behavior children or psychotic children who try and kill the dogs or their siblings or parents either.
I think I just want to foster medically fragile children and that is all.
Halfway through writing this we had lunch, then after lunch there was an issue with the oldest. I called my licensing worker and pretty much let her have it. I cannot deal with a child who I have to keep the dogs away from.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Disruption
I am so positive that CPS is doing everything in their power to keep me happy. How weird is this? I know they are trying to prevent a disrupted placement, which would NOT look good for them at all, but it is nice that they are finally taking the time to actually get their shit together on this case as well.
Today they have a therapy appt and I get to not take them!!! 2pm to 5pm I will be FREE!!! Too bad hubby won't be home... but I'll settle for a nap I guess.
The girls have found the joy of making a play restaurant and I was nice enough to share an old pan I am throwing away and their bowls for their play. I am not however keen to share my glass endtables and/or anything breakable... nor can they pin their sign to my door. It is a small chalkboard which has a rope to hang it from and it was like major meltdown city that I suggested they hang it on the doorknob as a compromise. Seriously? Oh well either that or it keeps falling off the doorknob you keep balancing it on. Of course the "but we need food" was brought up and they do have play food there. I remember many a play restaurant with dirt for food... but I am NOT suggesting that for indoor play!
Today they have a therapy appt and I get to not take them!!! 2pm to 5pm I will be FREE!!! Too bad hubby won't be home... but I'll settle for a nap I guess.
The girls have found the joy of making a play restaurant and I was nice enough to share an old pan I am throwing away and their bowls for their play. I am not however keen to share my glass endtables and/or anything breakable... nor can they pin their sign to my door. It is a small chalkboard which has a rope to hang it from and it was like major meltdown city that I suggested they hang it on the doorknob as a compromise. Seriously? Oh well either that or it keeps falling off the doorknob you keep balancing it on. Of course the "but we need food" was brought up and they do have play food there. I remember many a play restaurant with dirt for food... but I am NOT suggesting that for indoor play!
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