ODD rearing it's ugly head

A full on battle to put hearing aides on and honestly when they left for their weekend visit today I am not even sure she had them on at all!

It was one of those mornings where it was a battle from breakfast to the door! She didn't want breakfast, left the table 4 times randomly and left her dishes there, but she was hungry and stole cookies out of the pantry when she knew I was outside and hubby is less than skilled at paying any kind of attention to her. She constantly chased the dog around the house. Kept crashing her airplane into everything breakable around the house and would wait until I left the room to grab it again from where she was told to put it. See comment on hubby above. She refused to help clean up the mess she made in the playroom. "Lost" her shoes. And talked back or argued with me all day about everything. When she hit her sister over the who was to get to use the broom, aka pretend to be actually cleaning the playroom, I crooked my finger at her to leave the room, she says, "Great now I am going to get beat up!" WTF? I have never laid a hand on her, and never threatened to do so. (but seriously sometimes I want to shake her.. but I just walk away and hide). I asked her to repeat what she said, "Now I am going to get hurt." Her sisters piped in and said, " No you aren't you will just get a time out like always." I mean seriously? That is all I need. She said, "she will get put roughly into her room." I have never even done that. The other night she was standing in the doorway of her sister's room taunting her after lights out, so I clapped my hands very loudly to get her attention, I am trying to do something instead of yell she said, " Why did you throw something at me?" It will be a happy happy day when she finally goes home!!!

I am thankful though that bioMom cut oldests hair into a short bob and now... no more hair battle... in my best Forrest Gump voice... "good, one less thing"!!

Sneaky Updates

Just so you know there are sometimes sneaky little updates under some of the tabs ;-)

Court Update

So what has changed? Not much again. So continues as before with a slow increase over the next month or two of transition visits. The lawyer requested an immediate placement hearing and was given 10/22! WTF? So anyway, we are hoping that they will be able to transition without issues by our 9/30 plan and make the transition complete after their fall break. I think it will work from there.

I made all of the doctor and dentist appointments for next month. Hoping that the parents will be able to attend and provide transport from the appointments to school those days.

I reviewed the psych evals and well, nothing was unexpected and nothing was noted that I had not already told them I had witnessed. Older was dx'd with a Pervasive Developmental Disorder but not specifically given the Autistic designation because her symptoms could be the result of her neglected hearing impairment and the resulting alternative adaptation processes. So until they can fix her communication difficulties they really won't know if the rest of the symptoms are on the spectrum still.

So all in all more days away from us and with the parents but not a full on transition home yet. But there is an end in sight.

I emailed the adoptions worker to see where that would place us on bringing our little one home, since we currently are only licensed for 3. Perhaps they can change it to 4? It's been known to happen. ***Her response was that they are also requesting a slow transition. Add that to the 6 months after placement for any other placements... and well... we may have to make some tough decisions. However, if their slow transition takes places during the slow transitions for the girls well it will equal out and as 1 set leaves, the other comes home****


I do still reserve the right to change my mind a million times over this process!

Oh clothes... wow the choices you make

Parenting a child with Autism is tough work. Most especially is the morning dread of, "Wow what will she come down in today?" Sometimes I just let it fly. Our morning, afternoon, evening, any change of clothes really involves at least a quick once over to make sure nothing is stained, obviously dirty, worn yesterday,too revealing, and sometimes yes I even have to monitor for the grossly mismatched. I allow for her "creative flair" to shine through most days, if all of the criteria are met. This morning on the other hand included two vetos for her choices. Sometimes special needs children need to be protected from themselves. Bullying over clothes are a big issue. I really really wish that this were a uniform school.

I wonder how her parents ability to accept that will be? They are a "perfect"ly fake family. The girls had to be deprogrammed quite a bit in therapy on this concept of everything has to be perfect. The little one is still very much struggling with this concept, I think the inner princess in her and a little bit of the genetic make-up passed down from Grandma and Mom are strong in this one.

Court Tomorrow

Official report is that it be recommend that unsupervised visits start but proceed slowly. So we will see what the judge says. According to the behavior coach today when she has been there on Friday mornings they are well organized and doing exactly what they should be doing. So that is a good sign there. I want this to be over, but most especially I want it to be done so that they are not just bounced back either. I think they had a come to jesus moment and will get out of their selfish ways and do what is best for them.

I kinda don't want to say anything against them, because we are far from perfect either. It's hard to get into a routine with 3 very needy girls when things keep changing and the girls are not be most reliable sources of information either. They lack some very basic skills and their comprehension is a little slow on the uptake.

Are they better off here or there? THERE! Period. That is the whole point right? They have worked their program and seem very committed to working with services, what more can you ask for?

Grandmama Drama

Can I just say that the extent of the involvement with this grandmother is just too damn much for my liking. Counting down the days... seriously, if they don't release them to home soon. They should just send them to her damn house. She thinks its easy... where they heck was she BEFORE they came into care?

Settling In

So overall I have done a lot of bitching on here. I mean it was crazy stuff that went down, and honestly still is. I am sure that it's just the nature of the beast.

Hubby and I were talking, despite really being ready for this placement to end, we both agreed that it was getting easier. I guess it was a huge culture shock for us. The dynamics of our family had changed drastically and a bit unexpectedly.

Now though we are starting to settle into a more "normal" pattern and I can see glimpses of the "FAMILY" that I have always wanted starting to develop. The large family.

Right now we have 4 kids at home, 1 away at college, and 1 away at Basic Training who is also engaged! It's that dynamic sort of busy that I have always wanted. The concept of big family gatherings, bustling dinners, etc... are within our grasp. (Even if some of those kids aren't typical-they still have a special place and great value to our family)

Right now the issue is that I really am sick of shared parenting and that is what the biggest issue is with the 3 we have now. We have gotten used to the drama of 3 little girls. We have gotten skilled at anticipating the triggers of the oldest and the ODD that is guaranteed to show it's head. We have celebrated the middle girls new found excitement at life! Besides the whining of the little one that just makes my ears bleed, her innocence is starting to show and her exploration of the world with wonder is a joy to witness. It's all starting to come together. But it's not forever.

The 4 here now aren't our forever children. They are just borrowed and that kinda makes me sad. Why? Because just as we get into the groove of establishing a family, things will change and we will have start over.
Don't get me wrong, by NO means would we ever keep the girls! It's more like putting in a lot of hard work, only to start all over again.



But NEW is exciting, but also... yeah I am dreading it too!

Medical Disclosure

Today in the mail we received two huge envelopes of medical disclosure on our little "I". Let's just say that they did not remove all of the identifying information so we now know her full name. With that being said, if you believe in signs then it was meant to be that she was supposed to be hubby's daughter. She has the name of his favorite relative as her middle name which we would have given to our bio-daughter had we had one.

So I guess this means we are probably not doing a name change on her to what I had planned.

4 and me

So next week hubby has a last minute work trip he has to take. So it'll be me and 4 kids from Monday till Thursday. Hopefully my daughter will be here to help because the schedules are all messed up for everyone.

Have I mentioned I love my new exchange son? Gosh how I wish every teenage boy was like this! I will definitely consider hosting again next year!

Progress

CPS has decided to allow some unsupervised visitation to start this weekend and continuing to next week, then court will decide what will happen. Everyone still has concerns, I spoke with CASA today, but it is what it is. Just because we do not agree with the way someone parents does not mean its all together wrong. To be continued...

Have I mentioned

I hate this school the girls are at? It's one big time suck and money pit. Every day its some new notice being sent to us about paying for this, buying that, volunteering mandatory hours... blah blah blah...

This will NOT happen. 1 thing I am not volunteering there. Sorry but I am just not able to make that commitment. I have all I can do with the commitments I have already made. I did not chose this school. So if there is any mandatory anything someone who did pick it will have to step up. Of course that can't happen.

I feel bad for not being as involved in the schools for the kids as I was with my own children, but given the circumstances this is just not possible.

I just can't allow them to prolong this placement here after this next court date. We need to move on and move forward. Rip off the bandage and getting moving already.

I know lost cause and I should quit bitching about what I can not change, but the point is... well there really isn't a point this mess is just a mess. Heck I don't even remember when the next court date is at this point... the 27th I think.

Certified

Officially certified for adoption.

Official Army Mom

As of this afternoon my baby is no longer a future soldier but an official one! Wow this is tough!

Adoptions Update

September 4th is our "Presentation" meeting. At this meeting we meet the adoptions staff and get a briefing on everything that has been "I" her entire life. We then get to meet her. It's at 10am and two hours away! Not a big deal but another change in the visitation schedule as well as the late start for school and yeah it sorta puts a wrench in the plans. But my daughter has agreed to sit until they head off so crisis averted.

Hey, they may not even be here by then... ya never know!

What's the point?

Was the sentiment from therapy today. The girls all seem well adjusted and happy she says. So I guess maybe we are doing something right? She wants to set aside her therapy visits until the reunification transition team takes over, so if issues do evolve at that time they can address them directly.

She said they have made significant improvements since first coming to us. Well duh, there were a lot of changes going on at one time, plus they changed from one house to another, there weren't any kids here, and there were a lot of new rules. It was pretty stressful for us all.

Now that the adjustment period is over and they are settling in and we are settling into a routine with them, it seems easier in a way. Heck if they took out the school location, and the mess with the parents ever changing visitation schedule, we have a pretty good system that works. Including the visits with Biograndma.

To add to the settling in feeling, we have started adding a few things to their rooms. Small changes, things that make them feel more at home here, without being totally taste specific. For example we bought them each a new nightlight/lamp (they can take these when they leave), but we added them to nightstands that will stay and that go with the sets of beds that we have. We also add small things to the playroom every few weeks as well. This last weeks addition is an easel with chalkboard and white board (Ikea $15). We are hoping to add a VCR to the TV that is in there, because we still have a ton of kids movies on VHS, But this is proving harder than expected. Next week I want to add some bookshelves for organization for each room with neutral baskets instead of color specific ones.

They are also pretty excited about the prospect of our unused formal living-room being converted into a work-out room. This is a project that has just started and is FAR from finished, but they like planning it. From what we will put on the floor to what types of machines will be in the room, they want their say. They could just as happily stay here... they have all said that a few times now. Even the oldest one. She talks a lot about "our house" meaning theirs the one they currently live in, versus their "Mom and Dad's House". I let them help me pick things out and and when new things appear they are so excited to see them and share them with every visitor they have.

"Look what we got for our house!"

Cancelled visits and transportation woes

Yet again the transportation was messed up for the girls for school yesterday. They were over an hour early making the girls an hour early for school. You just can't drop kids off and pick them up when you please! This is why I was soooo against this idea in the first place. Add to that you just can't expect a third party to be able to handle all of these changes.

Also, 43 minutes prior to a scheduled visit pick-up time the case aide texts me to change the visit. We can't do a morning, can we make it this afternoon? Well NO you can not continue to make changes last minute like this. It does not work this way. Visits are at scheduled times. If you are unable to continue to make that time... it is considered a missed visit on your part. This is not summer where we can change things last minute. Then she says well we have to have alternate plans for transportation for missed visits. Then don't miss visits. The reason for the changes are what? Work? You should have known your work schedule two weeks ago when you made this change! They have this expectation that they can change whenever they want, the problem is they have been able to get away with it for so long.

Today's issue triggers a major chain reaction though. For one thing, in order to save on gas my husband likes to take my car on days that I don't have anywhere to go. I can not transport all the way from my house to their school with his truck. If there is an emergency and I have to pick a sick kid up from school, then yeah I could take it... because it's one and not three. Of course I would be pissed, because it's half an hour away from here, and not 1 block over! But anyway, each change then effects every other thing for the day.

I am going to have to have a conversation with the case manager when she comes back. My two weeks notice will be placed at that time. Hopefully it will be that they will just go home after their court date the end of the month. But it won't happen like that and it will probably continue and continue. We just can not function with this school schedule and with these transportation issues, as well as all of these changes in visits.

Besides the inconvenience, the stress on the girls adds so much more crazy to this. They thrive on structure and routine, sounds to me like the parents, especially the Mom, haven't figured that out yet.

And so it goes

Things are starting to settle in I guess. The transitions are over for us and we are used to having little ones around again. Of course now that they may be going home in a few weeks. But now we know that yes it's hard in the beginning, but it does give us an idea about the length of time adjustments take. Things we can expect in the future. So at least we know it does get a little easier. Don't get me wrong there are days I still want to pull my hair out, but those are normal parenting things. Of course this school situation, added to doctors appointments, and the constant changing of visitation schedules has caused quite a few drama filled days. But overall things are settling into a routine and routines are good.

The girls now request hugs from us, so that is nice. We can sit and chat and I have started being able to let the silly out. They are also enjoying the one on one time with us, instead of fearing being separated from their sister crutches.

Now with that said we still have to give constant reminders of the same things. I have instituted a new rule. Leave the lights on and you have an extra chore to do to help pay for the bill. Yup 6,7 and 9 year olds can help clean their bathrooms, fold their laundry, and wash and put away their dishes. As well as make their beds, clean their rooms, and clean their playroom.

Decorating & Things

So we are getting a foreign exchange student, which gave me an excuse to decorate a room. Except, as with anyone staying temporarily I didn't want to decorate taste specific to someone. With that said ever since we moved in here I had a plan to do our "guest" room in Americana theme. So I took the opportunity to do that with this guest room. Right now it only has a twin bed in it, but the comforter in it is a full, so it can be converted when we change the bed. Actually when we move the bed upstairs with it's twin.




But here it is, probably a little over kill. There are a few walls not shown. Like over the closet is another wooden flag, over the bedroom doors it says, " Let Freedom Ring " , over the desk is a white board and two clocks (1 with local time, 1 with his local time). This bedroom also has it's own bathroom... which is pictured below as well.

** Decision-ish**

We gave the go ahead to begin the process with her.... and we will see where the chips fall with the boys. So right now we are looking at the first week in September for the face to face meeting and disclosure meeting.

The agency is looking into seeing if the rule of a 6 month no placement is a state thing, if it isn't then she said there are ways around an agency rule.


*** I don't think that I have to provide for the privacy of this little one, such as not posting her pic, since she is actually searchable on the national website, which is where this specific picture came from to begin with. Anyways,today I looked at her profile and saw this in bright red letters....


AZ01686

Status: Hold, placement pending ***

BTW... yeah that's US!

Don't sweat the small stuff

But as a foster parent of course I am worried about the girls going to school looking "unkempt" I try and make sure they are clean, but I also let them wear what they want. Of course I really wish they were a uniform school!! It makes things so much easier. I am getting some of their clothes allotment soon, but not soon enough!

The point is that Mom is a HUGE freak about perfection, cuteness and let's face it she wants 3 Barbie dolls. The oldest on the other hand, heck even the youngest, have minds of their own and they love to be fashion designers when it comes to outfits. As long as they look appropriate for their age, I am ok with whatever they chose. Except we had to fix the hair. She just does not get it that she has a back of her head and it needs to be brushed too.

How do you chose between your children?

Ok so good news... she is ours they took less than 10 minutes to decide... bad news we would not be able to accept any new placements for 6 months after she comes.

Good news is the boys are also ours also and the red file meetings, as I expected are simply a formality, So the boys are very bonded to their foster parents and call them Mom & Dad so a longer transition period was expected. But not 6 months long.

So how do you chose between your children? The agency has a few ideas to bypass this, like moving the staffing up for the boys for next week and starting the transition prior to "I" coming home. Then going to the placing agency and saying please don't deny this child a forever home based on an arbitrary rule. Maybe they will split the difference with us and say 3 months?


We are open to waiting 6 months to get the boys... but only once we switch "I" over to a CDH placement. This allows for all fees to be covered and for the beds to remain empty.

URGH!!!!! Decisions Decisions.... once again... how do you chose between your children? Are they already my children? Maybe my heart has decided for me and I didn't even know it!

Paper Pregnant

I heard this term searching a forum on AZ adoption looking for some insight into this "Red File" process. Someone mentioned that they wanted to know if Paper Pregnant was offensive or not.

So then I started thinking about it and realized that this is kinda how I feel. I feel like I am "pregnant" in a way. In the very early stages, first trimester where you know you are expecting a child, but are not sure of the gender, and most especially you are not sure if the "pregnancy" is going to make it to full-term.

So much can happen with this process, we can still not be chosen. Which in a way still feels like a loss. It's almost as if we are pregnant with triplets. We could go from expecting 3 little members to join our family to 1, 2, or zero! Will it be the boys or the girl or both?

The uncertainty and the emotional ups and downs are eerily similar. One minute you are making plans for the rooms, looking at toys, imagining what life will be like, even trying to decide if you will change their names and what names you would change them to if you could. The next minute you are resigned to not having them, to not wanting to think about it at all. Even be scared because you have been thinking that this is way to much to handle, which is probably how expectant parents of multiples, or even those with really young children feel, when the concept of adding little ones into the family already crazy busy happens.

So NO I do not think that "paper pregnant" is offensive. We are waiting on a piece of paper to tell us whether or not our family will expand... like a home pregnancy test tells you.

The months of waiting and the unknown... yeah sounds pretty accurate to me!

Exchange

As if there isn't enough going on, we may be hosting an exchange student. I registered way back last year and received a pleading email and call yesterday to see if we would consider one this semester. Yikes... I should probably have said no. But maybe it will be beneficial to hubby and I and the experience may be great!

**There has been a lot of back and forth with this process now. They still need to complete the background check (yup ANOTHER one)but we have been pre-approved pending that part, knowing we are foster parents they know we are approved so they have already given us the info packs on their top three choices. So then we will either have a girl from Italy (who is the #1 choice currently) a boy from South Korea, or a boy from Sweden living with us in two weeks. I could not make the decision between these three so I made them pick.***

Movement

So on Aug 15th we are going to selection panel on little girl "I". On Aug 26th we are going to selection panel on 2 little boys "D" & "J". They are called red file meetings. Yeah I have no idea why, but they are. So by the end of the month we may have some big change ups going on. "I" will not require a long transition period, if we are chosen for her, where as the boys will most likely require a good amount of transition time.

Which brings us to a few things...

The girls may be moving sooner than we thought, not home, but a family member has stepped up and may get approved. After the CFT the CPS worker was worried that we were going to straight up disrupt and that they would need to find another home for them, at this state they do not want to do that obviously. But because I was not at all on board with the school issues and the random parental visits, they are worried, yeah I get that. However, we are NOT at the stage that we would just request that they be moved. CPS dealt with the transportation and I got my daughter on board to pick up some babysitting that I would need in order to keep my Operating Room Training Program that starts in two weeks. Although with that being said hubby has expressed to me that he is at his end point and has stated that he would like them to go sooner rather than later. 1 because he is starting to get too attached to the little one that he just doesn't want to see her go, and two because he is in wayyy over his head with the oldest one's behaviors and needs.


Now despite not being at the disrupting point and resigned to them staying until September, we are also not willing to have them until December (as someone pointed out) with the way things have been handled with all of this... If this case should drag on and on, we just are not in a position where we want to continue to have everything constantly in a state of chaos where they are concerned. Since this case has NO possible permanency chance with us, to drag on and on the way it has been is just not something that we want to continue to do. We have always stated that long term foster care for us will be with medically fragile children and that is all. But it also throws in jeopardy the adoptive placements. If chosen we don't want months and months to go by with these kids sitting in their lack of permanency situations. Or we don't want this placement to jeopardize our being chosen because we aren't "available" yet and a less than ideal alternative is accepted.

So we shall see how things turn out. I am willing to continue until the end of the month, at which time we will know where we stand with the adoptive placements too. What is willed shall be... and I have to accept that.

Family Style Bonding...

Some us and them time after dark in the pool. A special treat because it was way after bedtime. It was very fun and the girls were so cute.

The middle child was very chatting and we played quite a few games just her and I. We had some good kidding conversations. My favorite part, " So Christine, what do you want to chat about? We can chose so many different things..." and we did.

ODD

And I am not talking about the odd as in weird. "Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a childhood disorder that is characterized by negative, defiant, disobedient and often hostile behavior toward adults and authority figures primarily".

"Negativistic and defiant behaviors are expressed by persistent stubbornness, resistance to directions, and unwillingness to compromise, give in, or negotiate with adults or peers. Defiance may also include deliberate or persistent testing of limits, usually by ignoring orders, arguing, and failing to accept blame for misdeeds"

Oh yeah we have one of those. Some days are better than others, usually when there is a reward or something involved that she chooses or if she is getting a lot of 1:1 special attention (which you also have to answer a barrage of, "Am I being good right now?" questions every 5 minutes these usually indicate that she wants you to buy her something or take her to another "fun" place, also of her choosing), but most days straight out of bed it's back talk, doing the opposite, or straight up refusing to follow the rules... over and over and over again. It's challenging... could be worse, wayyy worse, but it's frustrating nontheless and not something that we expected or were warned about. It's funny how after you start mentioning these things, psych evaluations previously completed suddenly mention,"Oh yeah we questioned if she had that."


The other day we discussed why she is so contrary at home but good outside the home (usually). She didn't have much of an answer other than just "because". In my opinion,it's more likely because she has textbook symptoms. "Manifestations of the disorder are almost invariably present in the home setting, but may not be evident at school or in the community."

I agree in the community activities that she attends and at school she had NO behavior issues! Yup... could be worse :-)




And that concludes today's lesson in childhood abnormal psychology.

CFT..Pfffftt'd

Is that a word? Oh well... I sent a nasty email off and all was resolved... as in I will not be transporting, they sent in a request to give me the extra school supply and school clothing allowance for the girls, and will be finding the daycare that I need for those two days!

I bet they can't wait until they don't have to deal with me... or is it I bet they can't wait until this totally off the wall unorthodox case is closed?

Yes they have been bending backwards and forwards with everyone involved with this case so I can't really complain much... but it's Thursday and I am tired. Having not slept more than 1 hour a day for a week gets to ya after awhile. I DID not plan for Frank to not work when the idea of this whole thing came about... maybe we need to make some other changes... Maybe I just need to go with the flow, whichever direction that goes in?

I am most concerned that this will affect everything else, which will not make me happy at all. Everyone still seems like they are on board with the plan, the next court date is the 28th, at which time unsupervised visits start, then another transition month?

Actually I am considering just having him quit... but then I think.... um... better not just yet. Because well I don't have quite enough faith in his ability to handle what needs to be done daily... and we need just a tad more money... should I just drop out of my class?