trying to engage...but it's hard

A major major heart break happened on Saturday night that honestly I am not sure how to recover from. Right now it is so hard to be happy and engaged with little "I" while my emotions go from shock to utter despair and grief. I want to bond with her and love on her, and at times I have been able to do it. For about an hour last night we laughed so hard! But it's that double edged sword waiting to stab me at any moment that says, " She isn't yours. They may still taker her away forever too."I just can't take another heartbreak right now.

However, Hubby and I know that we are on the right path. There is a very special little girl up in heaven right now who taught me all about loving a special needs child, she brought me to her wonderful family, who has showed us the way step by step to being able to make a difference in the lives of some of the sickest children. I will be forever grateful to her I will miss her forever!

3 + 1

So we did get to pick up "I" yesterday. However, FM did not leave a carseat so I had to go a buy one to bring her back here. Knew I should have grabbed the extra one from work. Oh well I'll return it tomorrow. She also came with a bag stinking of smoke, so I washed everything. I assume she'll complain about the dog hair which I will probably send home on something...lol sorry not on purpose but that stuff gets everywhere no matter what you do. The ONLY reason I hate having animals most days.

She did very well last night, she slept ok, she woke up once crying, but she'd rolled onto her left side which is her recent rodding site, so I rolled her over, she went immediately back to sleep and slept until 5am. (Hummm are these the "nightmares" they speak of?")She played in her bed singing to herself for a while. I got up with her around 730 when the girls were up. But since she wasn't crying I didn't feel the need to run in there to get her. She seems pretty happy overall... she's playing with the girls now. They are pushing her making car noises in her chair, she loves it.

As for the girls, the older one is on a kick about not wanting to go to Grandmas house, mainly because she is pretty sick of her parents having to leave her places and she doesn't understand why there has to be such a drawn out process. Honestly I don't think anyone does really. Right now perhaps next week on Thursday is their first extended visit with overnights at their parents house. Sooo I am packing boxes this week, setting bikes out, and sending everything that they have here that they don't use with them. This coming week they will be at their parents from after lunch till bedtime.

In foreign exchange child news, he had a friend over last night, he is also an exchange student and they share a home country. I think it was good for both boys. The friend is very jealous of the living situation, he is lacking in wi-fi and cable where he is! Poor teenagers.

Because she is going to have nightmares after this right?

Round and Round we go...

So I am heading down the two hour drive tomorrow AM to pick "I" up for an extended visit. Soooo....until then... we'll pretend I guess... too bad we returned all the stuff we'd gotten for her on Sunday.

We can make due with what we have until it is or isn't permanent, plus I have the hook-up for things in the meantime that I can borrow.

Starting the 30th the girls will get sleepovers soon with their parents... so maybe they won't be here much... but I think it'll work itself out.

At the very least it will allow us the chance to really see what it will be like and decide if we can really handle it. Of course these two weeks will not be what actual life will be like exactly, but it'll be close!

Just when you thought it was over....

They pull you back in. CPS said in no uncertain terms that they want her with us. They are strongly advocating for us and are not accepting her "adoption" plans as final. So they wanted to know if we would continue as per the original plan and take her on an extended visit until the court date? Which is Oct 9th. At which time every side will be presented, and it will be considered a "Redfile" type of staffing where they take that family and our family and present both sides to a judge. At which time they decide if we take her back or keep her and proceed with the adoption plan to finalization.

I am conflicted, but then again I really think that she should be my daughter and I really want to continue to "fight" for her. At the very least it shows how committed we are to have her as part of our family as we continue to go through this back and forth and back and forth drama. But I don't want to go back and forth with this drama.

However, At least if we do this we can say, we did everything we could have possibly done, less a custody battle, to have her. but I don't want to play games. I don't want to drive all over the state either.

We shall see I guess what happens. I certainly do not want to drive all the way down there to have to come back once again with an empty carseat.

We could actually pick her up Friday... but I wouldn't get my hopes up because all of this is one big mess anyway.

But just keeping the info out there... so everyone is aware just how much of a mess even Foster/Adoption's can be.

Mystery Phone Call

I received a phone call yesterday from the CPS worker on "I"s case. She asked if I would be available to attend a staffing via conference call between her and her supervisor. They wanted to tell me their plan.... ummm... what?

I wonder if...

It's depression that makes me so indecisive right now. I know I procrastinate more when I am in a funk, and I really feel like I am. Add the stagnant state of my education to the stagnant state of my career focus as proof that I am stuck in a holding pattern that may or may not be related to all of the changes and the craziness going on right now.

So many changes, too many changes all at once associated with the "sad" emotions. My daughter moving out on her own, my son leaving for Basic Training, my sister being diagnosed with breast cancer, the adoption highs and lows.

It doesn't help that I think current placement has been a horrible match for us. I feel so bad about the way I feel that I feel bad. I just don't like feeling this way about the whole reason I decided to get into care in the first place.

It's not fair to them and it's not fair to us. I absolutely know what the former FM was saying and how the dynamic of this whole thing, the neediness of this whole case just eats at everything you have until you have NOTHING left. I want to cry and I was never a crier. I dread the doorbell ring because I know they are back. I want to smack myself in the head, kick myself in the ass, or even scream at myself to snap out of it and "fake it till you make it" but honestly I have been faking it this whole time. From day 1 and I haven't made it yet.

I would join the support group but it meets at the same time as one of the visits and overlaps their return time. Blah, blah, blah... that's what I think I am saying.


PS: My entire body aches! That can not be good. I need to do something soon!

Word of the day...Inconvenient

I am pretty drained of this daily putting my life on hold because the parents have visits at any damn time they'd like to show up, not to mention the grandparents have visits and return the children any damn time they want to as well.

Last week 8am on a Saturday, no word this week yet, it seems they are avoiding my text messages, but they haven't come and picked them up yet either, so we were ready early incase there was yet another missed communication and they showed up while we were all sleeping or something, might I add it's a Saturday and we were up early!! I am beyond pissed at this. Mind you every minute I get little whiny voices coming to ask, "When are Mommy and Daddy coming?"

Between the transportation issues for school which is also not at a convenient time for our lives, we have to add in 6 days a week where we have to be home or get home or something regarding a time issue, per the whims of whatever was convenient for the family. How about the people here on the front lines dealing with the fallout of this? How about having to be a meany all the time because I am the one saying " No or I don't know all the time." While the parents get restaurants, go to the lake, or bike riding excursions. Not to mention all the special blankets they keep sending home. WTF is with the blanket obsession with this family? Seriously they came with more blankets than toys or clothes.

Needless to say, I couldn't go away with hubby this weekend because, even though we could have taken the girls with us, we couldn't because they were supposed to have a visit today. We couldn't go to an event on Thursday because it was scheduled to get out the same time as their visit was finished and we may not have made it home in time. Don't get me started on why I had to drop out of a class I had been waiting years to take because of this whole scheduling thing!


So here it is nearly 10am, the girls were told they were going to be spending the day at the lake today with their parents, they were excited, they spent all last night having issues about everything because of the stress the excitement causes, so much so that I had to change the bedroom of the oldest to move her away from her little sister, because they are so beyond frustrated, scared, and uncertain about their future. "What if Mom and Dad are inappropriate again and we can't stay with them?" " I don't think we are ever going home." "Why is it another month?" How do you support trust, when they have been let down so much?

I tried to explain to them that they are progressing so much and that we have to follow a plan. In 10 days they start sleepovers, of course who knows if that will actually happen. Now that the original CM is back in the picture emails and phonecalls do not get returned, and I am the last to know everything, but ya know the first to be blamed for everything.




*** In other news today I feel emotionally drained.***

It's an old story told time and time again...

I never wanted to have to go through this. You may have personally, or you may have only seen it on tv. It's the same old story, even if our "baby" was 4 and not a newborn, and it goes something like this...

We get a call that we were chosen for a little girl. We meet with the "Moms", who in our case were a panel of professionals to include 6 women who begin by tearing us apart, only to build us back up, not once but TWICE! Then you meet the fostermother/mother, they/she seems on-board, I mean they already agreed to place the child for adoption (ours had been available for over a year) Everyone is happy. "What are you going to call her?" we are asked. You start visits, for us it's with the child, but for others it's going to doctor appointments and seeing ultrasound pictures.The feelings are the same however, you start to bond with the child, you start to love it, most especially you start to imagine this child as part of your family. You try and guard your heart because you know that anything can happen when someone see's their newborn for the first time, but this is not a newborn, so we are a little more "sure?". You wait, we waited, till the very last minute to set up the room, you won't do it too early, just in case something happens. You get the call and the excitement happens, your heart soars, your nervous, overwhelmed, for the first time you tell people that you are adopting. You call into work, make a long drive, perhaps you take a flight, either way, the carseat is with you and you have a newly decorated room waiting for your miracle at home. You get to the office, the hospital, wherever your story takes you. You are ushered into a waiting room. You wait and wait. Finally they come and get you, they don't have the "baby" with them, they don't look all smiles. Your heart starts to pound, your insides start to make you feel like you want to vomit. She's changed her mind and wants to keep her. SHOCK, ANGER, SADNESS, DENIAL, ANGER again... where do your emotions take you?

If proper channels had been followed we would not have had to experience this...but what makes us different than all the other infertile couples out there trying to grow their families? NOTHING it seems, NOTHING.

Whether you are watching that pregnancy test turn negative month after month, year after year, or waiting on an adoption registry for your baby, our story has been told time and time again. I have been trying for 15 years to give my husband a child of his "own". Do you know how that feels?

Renewing a Contact, revisiting a Concept

Sometimes you think things just have to happen for something else to happen first. I am of a mind that fate is a huge factor. Why do somethings that seem like they all fall into place, just crash and burn? Maybe it's because there was something else that needed to be accomplished first?

It's not about collecting a paycheck, or adding a specific gender, or even about adding a family member with a disability. It's about being able to help children in need of a good home, children that are supposed to be ours for one reason or another.

So whomever decides to join our family, whomever the Fates say we are to welcome into our family, we will do so with open hearts.

When one do closes another opens, maybe the door closed for her because she was not the one in the most need of our family at this time.

This whole post is actually written with children in mind, an email yesterday revisited a group of brothers that were still hoping to make that forever jump.

To be continued!

Nope it was a 360

Not getting her, getting her, not getting her....Talk about the ultimate cluster fuck! FM decided to sign an intent to adopt her! After all of this, of course that happens after we drove down there and waited an hour in the office. They WILL be getting a request for mileage reimbursement from me that is for sure!

Hubby is taking it the hardest, it hurts his heart so much. I am stuck on pissed, because we asked her over and over and she always said no, my worker said that they should have her sign a letter stating she does not intend to adopt, but they didn't so here we are... they said if we wanted they would take this to trial, force the FM to get her own attorney and they would side with us, but honestly, if she really wants her, this may have been exactly what she needed to finally offer her stability and permanency herself.

Is it a 180 or a 360?

I don't even know where to begin... but let's just say that we are going from 3 to 4 little girls in a matter of a few short days hours. As we speak a staffing has already been done, a call to the AG has been made for an immediate placement change, and a FM has been made aware that the adoption is moving forward despite her attempts to block it.

So let's back up, yesterday, I sent a heart felt email back to the placing agency with my concerns over yesterday's email, which included this statement; "I figured she would say things like this to prove her "fight" against transition as well as to do what they feared. Hubby and I have been having a heart to heart on this and I am not in the business of games! At this time we are removing ourselves from the adoption of "I". Apparently she really wants to keep her, she just doesn't want to adopt her. "

So I received an urgent conference call this AM with the placing Agency and the Case Manager and they called BS to the email she sent see previous post for details. They both said they knew what she was doing and didn't believe it, the "nightmare" insinuations over a few short visits was a pretty huge redflag that she was being less than truthful, or at the very least attributing all of the issues going on in her life, like pain and a new school, to our visits to prove her point that she should have her until January. No matter how long we do visits it will still be an adjustment for her because cognitively she is not going to be able to understand what is happening to her on this scale. Trust me she had no idea we were "new parents" coming to take her away either. Yes I am sure she is going to have adjustment issues, and this will not be a walk in the park or anything, but I also have confidence that she can and will bond to us and that given time she will KNOW we are her forever family. During the visit she didn't mention that "I" cuddled to me and smiled and laughed and when I went to set her down she cried, so I picked her back up and she smiled and laughed and cuddled again. This is not the response of a child who is in jeopardy of not bonding to us... right? (This was not in her wheelchair, it was after that when we were leaving)

The Placing Agency made a strong argument that from the time they sat down and read our homestudy, to the meeting we had with them, they knew we were the perfect family for "I" and would NOT let us go because of this. They expected it, glad to know they were willing to move on it and not take the FMs word as gold. They said they knew she was just trying to make it so she could keep her, yet not have to adopt her, and yes there is a money issue involved. Once the adoption is final the subsidy goes down over 1700 a month, it's a big deal. Since their goal is permanency for her and absolutely should be, they knew that if we fell through so would her chances at being placed in a forever family in the future.

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that this is strictly for "I" best interests, but over and over she mentioned she would have adopted her but...long list of things you should say, with slips of things you probably shouldn't.

My thoughts are so scattered throughout this post sorry if it seems all over the place and choppy. I am in shock I guess. I honestly never thought they would move this quickly, especially after the meeting we had where they seemed to support her transition plan. I can't even put into words how crazy this all seems. Overwhelming!

Wow there will be 5 kids here! The girls won't be transitioned home until the 15th or so of October, if they judge signs off on it, she may not. Plus of course we have our exchange student, who btw just got a written list of rules left in his room. Apparently without a daily reminder he just can't remember them. His room is nasty! Which is NOT allowed! Bio, foster, adopted, or exchange- I put a lot of money and time into making nice rooms for everyone, I expect them to be treated with respect and cared for!

FM's email

An email to CM from FM
We have had three visits and after wards she becomes a needy cry baby . She is having a very hard time at school ,Thursday they called cause she just wasn"t a happy camper , on Friday she was crying and screaming so much I had to go get her early the minute she heard my voice she stopped till she didn't hear and then started again . I did take her home early . Last Wednesday Christine and her daughter inlaw came to my house , I was just putting her in the shower , They did her hair /half of it , I then said let"s take a break and do lunch Christine was putting her in her chair and the right leg got stuck under the left and she screamed . I then picked her up to calm her , She was more then willing to eat , but would not swallow it . I did scoop the food out of her mouth . I haven't had to do that since we first started feeding by mouth. She is waking up in the middle of the night crying . If you have any questions please feel free to contact me .


BTW- we didn't do her hair while she was screaming she did. We did it while she was asleep after. She fed her and she wouldn't swallow, I fed her and she did but it was a small amount of cookie. She pulled her hair alot while finishing it so she was very traumatized by it. I was the one who placed her in her WC and was adjusting her, because they had it set up wrong when she just said pick her up, and then fixed the chair because I had my hands full- she did not scream she fussed a tiny bit, she was quite and happy after that and very interactive with me and continued to be. Her school is new and she's never been there before. She also didn't mention our first visit she also went to Phx first then drove back over there hadn't seen in a year the same day you saw us. Yeah... they warned us... they should not take what she says as gospel... we shall see.


**Our adoptions worker said to not do anything until she talks to the case manager, but after the last visit I had nearly already made up my mind because like I posted before... I figured when she said she was going to fight it... that all of a sudden she would be having "Major" issues. **

Sneaky Bleeders

Almost on a daily basis I find blood spots and disgusting tissues around the house, evidence of a recent unreported bloody nose. (These girls are serious nose pickers) Of course by now they know to get a tissue and the cloth with ice to stop it, but they do not understand the concept of the nasty mess someone's blood has, and the fact that blood stains, and no one wants to clean up your messes.

Movie Night

Just Keep Swimming...

Waiting on my adoptions worker to call me to get her opinion on where we should take this. I will also be emailing the adoptions coordinator at the placing agency to let them know of the development with FM.

Also we are thinking of going to an adoption meet and greet next Thursday, and getting information on the little girl that my adoptions worker keeps talking about as well. Back up plans for my back-up plans I guess.

With that said we are also considering scrapping the whole adoption thing and might be sticking with just straight up foster care CDH only.

I wish I could just make up my mind, but right now it's like I have no idea where that should be! I think the life suck that is going on with this case is a lot of the problem. I just wish they would not drag this out so much! 6 days a week there is something going on, now add that doctor visits are due now for annuals and you have 7 days a week something with most days being doubled with something else too.

They also have a fall break 2 week recess coming up. I am hoping that they are being transitioned home for extended stays by this point. It's from the 30th to the 15th. The court hearing for placement is on the 22nd of OCT.

So as exhaustion and emotional turmoil over all of my feelings and stress rear their ugly heads, I just keep chanting to myself... "just keep swimming" ala Dori. Because right now I have no idea which way I should be going!

I spoke to soon...

Yeah I was wrong, she will try and sabotage the placement. She came right out and said that she is fighting already against our prospective date of Nov 1st to have "I" come to us. She stated she is pushing for her original January date. She threw around technical terms, disruption for example, like she had any clue as to who the hell we were, but stated that since "I" has disrupted from two previous placements when she was a baby, that this would happen now. I don't expect this to be a cake walk, I expect a learning curve for all of us, I do have a TON of knowledgeable resources at my disposal and a great support system with more medical experience at my figertips. But seriously she is not really that complicated of a little girl. With some direction as to her current care, meeting with a few of her doctors and therapists, and getting some quality time in with her to get some bonding done, the planned transition will be MUCH easier than the crap pile of drama and ODD we are living with now.

What will cause us to back out would be 3 empty beds and no foster income for 4 months! She says why don't you fill your beds before she comes, yeah I already thought of that but we can't, because the placing agency said we couldn't (red flag), she also brought up the difference in pay for CDH vs subsidy,(red flag) she brought up that WE are the only interest they have had on her. (red flag)

Why the red flag alerts? Because if we are the only interest that has been made for her and we back out because she presses the longer than usual transition, then she gets to keep her as a long term foster placement (because she is getting bigger and older and very few people want to adopt older special needs kids), thus she gets to keep her and the higher rate of pay at the same time. If we push to have our beds available prior to her coming, will they think that we are not serious about her and rescind the extension of her placement? I drove two hours after working an overnight shift to see her for two hours, to return drive two hours to go to work tonight. I'd say that is committed, I mean heck she is not a complicated little girl at all. She is easy going, just don't do her hair.

Third visit

Today is our third visit with "I" I will be going down there to visit her with my future DIL in tow. Wish my daughter could have joined us then it could have been a true Mommy daughter bonding day.

I must confess that I almost didn't get to go today. I overspent this weekend and ran out of money, which is pretty important for gas with a drive that far. I do not have a reserve fund, yeah I should fix that! Anyway, I am returning a set of curtains that I don't like and well, gas money became available.

I am excited and nervous and not looking forward to the drive but will have my future daughter-in-law with me so we can bond as well. We are both missing my son like crazy!

The girls have started another day of visits, so now they see their parents every day except Monday. All this has done has increased the behaviors of the oldest, "I am bad because I don't like it here." Because she thinks that this will make it so now she can go home sooner. I wish she would get the picture that because she is bad, is why she doesn't like it here. She doesn't like it here because she doesn't like to get in trouble. But she has said she breaks the rules on purpose. You know you are breaking the rules and will infact get in trouble, is it necessary to prove this point? I know so many of you are going through this, the great and powerful ODD is a fucking jerk!

When it rains... it floods

But that's not really the point, except to say that the closest and most direct route to the girls school is flooded and I can't get there without taking the 1.5 hour long detour. So needless to say this is NOT the day for the transport to get messed up for the girls school pick-up. Once again another reason why they should NOT have been allowed to go to that school without being already HOME!

CPS dropped the ball and instead of calling transport to cancel this am, like I had them requested that they do because I was taking the girls to a doctor appointment, which btw at the very last minute (we were in the office) was cancelled, so because they came to the door and we were not home, they as in the transport people, automatically cancelled the return trip... it's NEVER been a this way/that way trip for them, especially not this case with all of the daily changes. Somedays it's oneway, some days its the other, somedays its even a different location. The fact that they did that automatically is messed up, and yeah CPS is at fault.

So needless to say the father is actually going over there to get them and bring them here. I'd say they have more ammo for the push to move them home sooner rather than later, I mean heck they stranded the girls after school for more than an hour! Plus I had to drop them off 30 minutes early to beat a road closure getting home.

Yup... I think something needs to change and fast.

Special Days

I spent yesterday having a great day with everyone. The AM was spent with my daughter, lunch and shopping. The afternoon was spent with the hubby, the girls and our foreign exchange son Jae. We had a VERY nice night. No meltdowns! We went to dinner and ice-cream, followed by a trip to big toy store for me and the birthday girl and oldest. Hubby, Jae, and the youngest went over to the Mall. Then the girls and I all went night swimming.

Despite being told that only the middle could pick out a toy for her birthday, the oldest did not have any issues in the store. She had some normal, I really want that, I really wish I could get that, buy this moments. But they were subtle and easily redirectable.

I bought everything I could find at the Dollar Store earlier that had a certain fairy on it for middle girl, and filled up a gift bag with about 15 things. She was delighted, excited, and amazed. The smile was for ear to ear. " This is the best birthday ever." she exclaimed. At the toy store she picked out 1 $7.99 item instead of the more expensive ones, and I did not even give her a spending limit at the section of toys she was looking at.

My wallet and my heart were very happy yesterday!


Today "I" is coming over for a visit! Phone is charging to take plenty of pictures! Hope she has a good day after the LONG drive. Her FM says she loves rides... so hoping she will be just as responsive as the other day!

That we will have to make again, and again, and again...

Things were a little bumpy today. They started off well, this is the paperwork we already sent you, this is what she qualifies for, yes your worker should make sure you have your CDH completed, you are perfect for her, we'll transition slower she's shy, when?, January.....(insert noise of squealing brakes here) EXCUSE ME!! I must have heard you wrong!

So, I listened asked a lot more questions, then we got to see a video of her, and well she is AMAZING! She talks, she giggles, she is beautiful.

We got to the point where they said, "We usually have you wait 24 hours and then give us an answer, but do you want to move forward?"

At this time I said, " Well I just need to talk to my husband and licensing worker for a second about something."

At which time we expressed that there is NO WAY we will move forward if the transition won't be until January. This is a domestic adoption in the same state, come on now... what gives?

At which time it was expressed that the foster mother was reluctant and wanted to adopt her, but couldn't because there is not enough subsidy and she is "too old" her words not mine. So we said that a slower transition is one thing but almost 5 months is crazy, then you add another 6 months to that, that nearly puts our adoption certification to a point to run out before we can even get a second placement, our foster care license comes up again and thats 9 months with empty beds!

So they did agree to pay for our travel expenses for transition visits to happen more frequently and agreed that our timeline of end of October was very realistic goal and it may be sooner if she seems to be adjusting well... Who is the judge of that really though? But they wanted her to continue to progress and not shut down,

So we went to meet her and her foster mom said she is shy and won't talk or respond to voices she didn't know and won't eat for anyone but foster mom. We'll she talked with us, she played with us, she turned toward me and was even leaning forward for me to hold her, and let me give her a taste of some those fruit pouchy thingies. At one point the foster sister was teasing her about getting her hair brushed and putting the comb to her head to illustrate that the little one just does not like it! Well she did start to pitch a fit and cry and I was able to comfort her and redirect her attention and get her laughing again pretty quick! So... proved them WRONG!

The best part is that it was observed by the adoptions worker at the agency


She has my heart I can tell you that! BTW the picture post is from last Easter... so it's not much different than she actually looks, but yeah she does have a ton of hair!

Two hour drive

Tomorrow we make the first two hour drive down to meet "I". I am nervous and excited. What will she really look like? How big will she really be? How severe are her needs really? Will the family like us?

Ok so I really don't care of the family likes us at all. Weird but I don't really have much invested yet, especially not in impressing the foster family. I am not going to go in there all cocky, or all nonchalant either. But I do reserve the right to be RESERVED.


At one time I thought, "she is my daughter." But as soon as I said those words out loud, well I took them back. I think I guard my heart too much sometimes. I don't want to do it, but it's a product of my stoic upbringing, except that with my biochildren we were and are very affectionate, I just am not so with other people's kids, which sadly can include nieces and nephews sometimes-to me it's a tad awkward after a certain age I guess. Plus being a Pediatric Nurse, if I did not guard my heart it would break and bleed everyday.

Now this isn't to say that I think I could walk away and not look back, because right now I look at her picture almost everyday. We comment in daily life about what it will be like to have her. We have already a room called, "I's" room. It's just that I have yet to make my final decision on whether to open my heart or not, just incase.

This is pretty complicated business, it's a pretty big decision, sometimes I have to just let my heart and my brain battle it out.

Looking forward to Wednesday

A lot of answers will be had on Wednesday.


I am not looking forward to Monday. Why is there such dread?