I never wanted to have to go through this. You may have personally, or you may have only seen it on tv. It's the same old story, even if our "baby" was 4 and not a newborn, and it goes something like this...
We get a call that we were chosen for a little girl. We meet with the "Moms", who in our case were a panel of professionals to include 6 women who begin by tearing us apart, only to build us back up, not once but TWICE! Then you meet the fostermother/mother, they/she seems on-board, I mean they already agreed to place the child for adoption (ours had been available for over a year) Everyone is happy. "What are you going to call her?" we are asked. You start visits, for us it's with the child, but for others it's going to doctor appointments and seeing ultrasound pictures.The feelings are the same however, you start to bond with the child, you start to love it, most especially you start to imagine this child as part of your family. You try and guard your heart because you know that anything can happen when someone see's their newborn for the first time, but this is not a newborn, so we are a little more "sure?". You wait, we waited, till the very last minute to set up the room, you won't do it too early, just in case something happens. You get the call and the excitement happens, your heart soars, your nervous, overwhelmed, for the first time you tell people that you are adopting. You call into work, make a long drive, perhaps you take a flight, either way, the carseat is with you and you have a newly decorated room waiting for your miracle at home. You get to the office, the hospital, wherever your story takes you. You are ushered into a waiting room. You wait and wait. Finally they come and get you, they don't have the "baby" with them, they don't look all smiles. Your heart starts to pound, your insides start to make you feel like you want to vomit. She's changed her mind and wants to keep her. SHOCK, ANGER, SADNESS, DENIAL, ANGER again... where do your emotions take you?
If proper channels had been followed we would not have had to experience this...but what makes us different than all the other infertile couples out there trying to grow their families? NOTHING it seems, NOTHING.
Whether you are watching that pregnancy test turn negative month after month, year after year, or waiting on an adoption registry for your baby, our story has been told time and time again. I have been trying for 15 years to give my husband a child of his "own". Do you know how that feels?
:'(
ReplyDelete