It's depression that makes me so indecisive right now. I know I procrastinate more when I am in a funk, and I really feel like I am. Add the stagnant state of my education to the stagnant state of my career focus as proof that I am stuck in a holding pattern that may or may not be related to all of the changes and the craziness going on right now.
So many changes, too many changes all at once associated with the "sad" emotions. My daughter moving out on her own, my son leaving for Basic Training, my sister being diagnosed with breast cancer, the adoption highs and lows.
It doesn't help that I think current placement has been a horrible match for us. I feel so bad about the way I feel that I feel bad. I just don't like feeling this way about the whole reason I decided to get into care in the first place.
It's not fair to them and it's not fair to us. I absolutely know what the former FM was saying and how the dynamic of this whole thing, the neediness of this whole case just eats at everything you have until you have NOTHING left. I want to cry and I was never a crier. I dread the doorbell ring because I know they are back. I want to smack myself in the head, kick myself in the ass, or even scream at myself to snap out of it and "fake it till you make it" but honestly I have been faking it this whole time. From day 1 and I haven't made it yet.
I would join the support group but it meets at the same time as one of the visits and overlaps their return time. Blah, blah, blah... that's what I think I am saying.
PS: My entire body aches! That can not be good. I need to do something soon!
I think the current placement taking way longer than it should isn't helping either. It's easier to fake it til you make it when you see the end in sight, so far it seems to just keep dragging and you don't really know when it will end. That would bum me out.
ReplyDeleteYou've had a lot going on, you deserve a good cry!