Two hour drive

Tomorrow we make the first two hour drive down to meet "I". I am nervous and excited. What will she really look like? How big will she really be? How severe are her needs really? Will the family like us?

Ok so I really don't care of the family likes us at all. Weird but I don't really have much invested yet, especially not in impressing the foster family. I am not going to go in there all cocky, or all nonchalant either. But I do reserve the right to be RESERVED.


At one time I thought, "she is my daughter." But as soon as I said those words out loud, well I took them back. I think I guard my heart too much sometimes. I don't want to do it, but it's a product of my stoic upbringing, except that with my biochildren we were and are very affectionate, I just am not so with other people's kids, which sadly can include nieces and nephews sometimes-to me it's a tad awkward after a certain age I guess. Plus being a Pediatric Nurse, if I did not guard my heart it would break and bleed everyday.

Now this isn't to say that I think I could walk away and not look back, because right now I look at her picture almost everyday. We comment in daily life about what it will be like to have her. We have already a room called, "I's" room. It's just that I have yet to make my final decision on whether to open my heart or not, just incase.

This is pretty complicated business, it's a pretty big decision, sometimes I have to just let my heart and my brain battle it out.