This better be the last one...

The last Christmas where we are an empty nest. Maybe next year we will have a new grandchild? Maybe next year we will have a new child or children to also share it with?

Either way... next year... next year will be better!!

Update of sorts...

Still waiting on the next steps. Sent in some more paperwork. Waiting on some other people to do their jobs. Ya know... the same old same old.

It's just not the same...

It's not the same at all. It went well. It should be a open and closed placement... even if it may be long before the adopting is final... but... ya never know

Officially Out

We have officially terminated our intent to adopt "I". It was a very hard decision, but one that had to be made for the best interests of our family. It SUCKS!

We have the meeting for "E" on Monday.

December 16 next step with "e"

Big meeting at FM house.


We won't have "I" this weekend r next weekend because of going to my sons graduation.... It's been weird.

Empty Nest Holidays

Suck! I miss the big family gatherings especially, but not even having the small Holiday gatherings with both of my children home is pretty sad too. I so look forward to the crazy, loud, filled, kids screaming and running around kind.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and may your day be happy and not full of disregulation.

Seriously the Roller Coaster Makes me want to vomit

Word is we can NOT give up. They have some things up their sleeves too. WTF?

If the GAL is opposed

Is there any sense in moving forward with this case at all. The absolute lack of preparedness that they presented was atrocious. Maybe they actually should have put someone who had actually talked to us on the stand and new about us... perhaps they should have reviewed our homestudy, course they were blindsided by the last minute lawyer she walked in with, but I knew she would have one, but the GALs total agreement with her intervention... wtf? He has not even talked to us EVER!! I can imagine what she has been filling her head with, but if someone would just see her with us, then it wouldn't be so lost but, we don't have a chance. How long to we continue to put her through the back and forths and bonding for nothing?

Court Fail

To be or not to be continued????

Red File Staffing

Is today at 130p. My adoptions worker has to go there and present to a panel why we would make the best adoptive family for this little girl. Apparently this time there will even be a lawyer representing the mother. Maybe that means this was only a legal risk and she was not already severed? Who knows, they don't really tell you much. As a matter of fact we haven't even seen a picture of her yet. Hopefully if chosen we'll get to see one later today.

Tomorrow is still court for "I". It's a split session. Which means it's from 830am to 930am then from 10am to 11am. Really not sure why, as I have never been to one of these before. I hope that they can present everything in the first session and she'll make her decision by the second and just rule and this can be finished either way.


*** Update- Court did not go well... we have some thinking to do... because ultimately, since the GAL seems against the change of placement... we won't win.***

There was no need for this to turn into a custody battle, none at all and it's beyond frustrating that it has come to this. I refuse to compete in a she said/she did slander battle. It is what it is and if she'd been on the up and up the whole time it would never have come to this to begin with. It's what happens when you make this all about money and NOT about the child.

Adopting Vowels

Staffing is on Thursday for "E". Court is on Friday for "I". Oh how I wish I could complete our family with these two little girls!

Last Weekend Visit

Well a bittersweet moment I guess. We are on our way soon to go and pick-up Little Miss "I" for a weekend visit with us. It's a four hour round trip, and we have been doing this for nearly 6 weeks now. I miss her so much during the week. But this could be IT. Next week is court. I am not sure if they will rule from the bench, or take time to consider, but all I know is it is not fair to her nor us to continue with a state of limbo. Will she or won't she be adopted by us.

The heartbreak for us, I tried to keep a distance, but they again I allowed myself to bond. That is the reason for the continued transition visits.

Please pray for us or keep us in your thoughts, that next week, we'll be able to bring her home for good!

Lazy teen or language barrier or a bit of both?

Either way... rude awakening does not even begin to name what is brewing inside right now. I'm stressed so small things build up. But seriously how many times do I have to remind someone to PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Probably a million times because he is a teenager, but still LAZY, does not even begin to describe this kid lately. I am thinking depressed or homesick. His girl broke up with him. But soccer has started, he was looking forward to that, but complains about the sore muscles. I think he thought this was going to be a nonstop vacation. Maybe he really needs to be in a home with other teenagers. Right now all of our attention has been focused on the mess with the adoption and foster care stuff.

I have control issues

Ok I admit it, I have control issues. I need to know things, I need to be in the loop with decisions. Heck I make most of the decisions, but mostly I need to have order. Not strict in your face order, but things need to stay the way I put them. Yeah I know it's bordering on an OCD thing, but really I KNOW I am not alone in this issue. Of course the oldest of our last sibling set used to rearrange things whichever way SHE thought they should be, I understand that crazy, but so yeah needless to say, it kinda bugged me a bit when she did it, because usually it was my stuff she rearranged.

However, a peek into the crazy that was my weekend. We have a guest suite downstairs, complete with it's own bathroom. I always wanted an Americana room decor and figured the guest room would be perfect for it. <- click for the pics. When we were approached to host an exchange student, the guest room downstairs was the only one available. At the time he came we still had the 3 girls who each had one of the rooms in our "pod". The "pod" is made up of 3 identical rooms and shares a bathroom, whereas every other room in the house has it's own. (There are 6 total)

Our other guest suite, is the upstairs room that was being saved for our adopted daughter. Currently that is "I"'s room and I really really hope it stays that way.

Anyway, let's just say I relocated our Host Son upstairs to one of the rooms in the "pod". Why? Because I am crazy and almost flipped my lid.

It's been a bone of contention between him and I lately about the room being messy constantly. It started to smell and things that were brand new had sticky, I don't know what on them. This was enough to cause daily stress, because my nice things, that I had waited to buy, were, in my mind, being disrepected of sorts. But then he went and broke my crazy wide open. He rearranged everything. Everything was pushed up against one wall and squished together. My nicely put together room was CHANGED!

So after a fretful night and probably breaking the kids heart, I told him that he needed to change rooms today. He was a bit shocked by my reaction. Really change the room? Anyway, I told him he could go upstairs and pick whichever room he wanted from the "pod" and it would be HIS room to do with what he wished! I think at first he thought it was a punishment or something. But really it was just a solution to keeping me happy and giving him the opportunity to make his room feel more like home.

And as I finally put it. Family sleeps upstairs, he is no longer a guest. For 6 more months he is here he might as well feel at home. And he won't be ruining the room anymore... <- see I'm crazy :-P

"I" Update

Still plugging along with the every weekend visits. I am submitting my mileage for reimbursement, I have only received the first check so far, I am submitting another one this week, but despite her being a Foster Child and technically this qualifying for every weekend DDD Respite, we are not getting much beyond gas money. Right now it's about $120 round trip minimum. We also take time off from work to do the back and forths, and do not have any paid time off for these.

She has started calling us Mamma and Dada now. She'll be in the car or at breakfast or whenever I am not holding her and she call out, " Mamma, Mamma." I say "Hi" she says "Hi" back and blows kisses. As soon as she hears Hubby's voice she turns her head and blows kisses and says Dada. If that is not a child who is becoming bonded I don't know what is.

At the last drop off she was singing, talking, and laughing. But when FM came she put her head down and stopped talking. The CPS worker saw this. Because she was even talking to the CPS worker when she did it.

I have so little hope that things are going to go our way, but we are still moving forward as if she will be our daughter and getting to know her and have irrevocably fallen in love with her.

Court is only two weeks away now, next weekend is the last weekend visit. I start my new job the Monday following court, which is M-F 8a to 5p and I will not be able to continue to do the back and forth drives any longer, so they need to make a decision at that time.

Prayers, thoughts, blessings, anything you got is welcome! Apparently when I was "back home" with the family this weekend they were very shocked at the way I talked about her. They honestly said they weren't expecting me to be so bonded to her already, but they said they could see me light up when I talk about her. I showed off videos and pics, that I can't share via social media, so everyone got a lot of Little Miss "I".

Update of Sorts

Not much really going on. So in bullets:

*Still continuing the every weekend visits with "I". Court is the 22nd of this month.

*Still no news on our CDH license change and placements for foster care.

*We did get a profile of a VERY medically fragile 3 y/o little girl yesterday who's goal is adoption as well. After reading "E's" profile we are VERY interested in her and feel like she'd make a great addition to our family. So here we go again...

Not to be

I updated in the tab section but have decided that we are not the right home for "Z". There were some things that came out about his interactions with lower functioning children that just will not fit in with the type of children that hubby and I are interested in fostering, or adopting, if everything goes through with "I" as we hope it will, they would just not be a good fit together.

We also are just not really equipped to deal with tough behaviors with autistic children. Once they said he needs a calm environment I knew we were not the home for him. But I read through everything, researched everything, but it all came out to we are just not a good fit. I think he needs a stay at home MOM and to be an only child.

The nurse kept saying he had "meltdowns" that lasted hours and sometimes days. I just can't deal with that, and I know hubby can't either. We learned that the hard way with the first placement.

Big Day tomorrow...

Redfile staffing with paper presentation for prospective adoptive placement. Wish us all luck!

A Little Fair Fun

Happenings

FYI a tab has been started at the top to chronicle what is going on these days in the quest to add a new family member.

While things are working themselves out with the licensing issues (things can always be back dated), we are moving forward with the next chapter. On Tuesday next week will be the next step.

And like I said

Waiting for other people to do their jobs! It's very annoying and frustrating and inducing all kinds of feelings right now in me.

First thing after the Nov 22nd hearing when hopefully we will finally see where everything goes with "I" we will then most likely change agencies. I have had about enough of me being the one who has to put a fire under their asses and get things done. Almost a month now and I get as a response to my email, " Oh they just opened that screen up... I will type out your new Homestudy this week... I will get right on it... I will get it done..."

Seriously! Isn't this what she said two weeks ago, yes as a matter of fact it was!!

URGH!!!

I don't miss the girls, which I knew I wouldn't, but I miss "I" like crazy, I miss having a full house here. That one glorious day where we had 7 kids in the house, yes that is what I want! That is what this has all been about. I also really let's face it, need the extra money at this time from the Foster Payments since work has gone all upside down.

Return Run

Doing the return run tomorrow. She had a fever with no other symptoms Friday and Saturday but was fine today and back to her usual, happy, playing, only sleeping at bedtime self.

Sending an email to my licensing worker tomorrow to check the status of our change. We really need to get some placements going here! It's been almost a month now since she submitted our request for change paperwork, and there is a huge article about kids waiting in case managers offices overnight instead of being placed in homes. NOT ONCE HAVE WE GOTTEN A CALL!

Someone has dropped the ball and once again here we are wondering what is next and putting everything on "hold"

Fever, cranky.... and still cute

Visiting for the weekend and she is totally NOT herself today, she is sleeping and pretty warm. But we managed to go out for about an hour or two while she was feeling better to get some dinner.

I also wanted to start putting together her room. Even if she is not permanent and can't see it, she should have a nice place that is made especially for her!

Some Movement

There has been some movement with regard to what is next... stay tuned!

Patience

Have I mentioned I DO NOT HAVE ANY? I hate waiting for other people to do their jobs! I did mine! Hell sometimes I have even done theirs for them too. At this point I really need answers, I really need things done, and most especially I really need to KNOW what is next.

I am not good without having a plan! But if HE has one... I would really like it if HE shared.

To be continued...

Until Nov 22nd at that time is a hearing and a decision. Until then we continue with weekend visits, and she has to get and pay for her own attorney. I guess she was a bit shocked that they didn't just up and decide that it was a done deal. So it wasn't good news or bad news at this point, but it's still up in the air.

In the meantime we will continue with our plan on our path and see what happens.

All's Quiet on the Eastern...Southwestern... well in my hood anyway

So we are down from 5 kids to 1. Just our exchange son now. The girls are home with their parents... mind you I found out that it was only 3 days earlier than the planned return...wtf? Anyways, I also had to return "I" today. I have so little hope that things will go our way... but I had to try everything I could.

So now we wait..again... for the state to confirm our change in licence, for the court to make a decision on "I"'s adoption, and for new placements.

What these last 10 days have confirmed is that SHE is my daughter, whether we have her or not, AND we have a strong calling for medically fragile children.

hair day

Once a week is Hair Day, it's when we try and tame the wild beast that is "I"'s mane of ethnic hair. She HATES it, she hears the detangeler spray and screams like you are killing her. I over saturate her hair and the comb glides through without any resistance and she still screams like you are torturing the poor thing. People probably thought that I was hurting her the way she screams.

But hey, if once a week we have a temper tantrum over hair, well I think we can live with that. 30 minutes out of her week of not being happy, well could be worse.

But... well... wish we knew for sure already!

A little upside downish

Well I finally pulled the trigger so to speak and made the final push to have the girls removed from our home. They are one week from their court date, they are on school break, and they were there every single day and only came home to have miserable nights and mornings. So they left Thursday.

We were beyond stressed, beyond miserable, and beyond our breaking point months ago. I started having migraines everyday and my blood pressure was so high again when the doorbell would ring. This is NOT why we got into this.

The sad part is that we still have no official word on where we stand with "I"'s adoption and we won't know for either 4 days or longer. Gosh we are so in-love with that little girl. How is that possible?

So anyway this also means that our CHD is no open and we should be able to get placements for that now. There is one little boy that is a possible placement, but it's not for sure or anything, he is just from our Skilled Facility and they are looking for a skilled home. So who knows.

Advanced Planning

Gotta love when they come home from a parent visit and they are already moping around, shooting me dirty looks, and practicing the speech they will use the next day to complain about how much you aren't doing for them,how much fun they are not having, and how this is the worst day ever, before the day has even begun. Oh the oldest tries my patience.

9P to 7A

Yup she slept straight through the night! No wake-ups, no 5am "bottle" of milk. She cruised on through the night like it was her normal pattern. She also went with me over to "work" last night and did really great considering the atmosphere and the amount of people she didn't know that were over there. She seems to be adjusting very easily. She also eats 3 meals a day for me. She loves baby foods. She's a big girl so maybe weaning her down on her g-tube feeds and more onto PO foods that are healthy will keep her weight from climbing too high too fast. Of course this doesn't mean much, because she is not ours yet. But my point, we need a feeding specialist why?

So I sent the CPS worker for the girls an email in no uncertain terms stating that she MUST extend the sleepover this Thursday all the way to Sunday. No 9pm return on Friday followed by a 8am pick-up on Saturday. We have been more than amendable to the lack of schedule with this transition, but right now we are barely making it through this grief and pain and there is no way after Friday that I will be in any kind of shape to deal with the drama surrounding the 3 Amigas.

My daughter in law is coming to watch "I" for us, so that will be good, and then we can bring her to the reception with us, but I do not want to be worried about having to get back in time, or whatever for a pick-up or drop-off whenever they feel like it. We are not here to be their intermediary babysitters either. I could get sitters for them, but not where they could get picked-up and dropped off from.

So we shall see how this works out I guess.

Life in Transition Limbo

Is crazy to say the least. I like the extended breaks from the constant tattling, the whining, and the nonstop battle with the oldest to actually wear clothes that not only fit, but are also clean, and somewhat go together. Today's outfit seriously looked like she intended to go out in a t-shirt and underwear. Shorts that were not her's and a shirt pulled down so far it actually showed her "boobs".... The extensive choruses of," But Grammy gave me these, but Grammy said..." To which my curt . " Listen to me... Put. On. Shorts. That. Fit. You. The. End."

The middle one has seriously changed her attitude. Gone is the excitement in life. She is angry now. Pretty much at me. But of course not sure why, other than right now "I" is here so there are some butt hurt little girls who despite really wanting to go home, HATE to share attention with anyone.

trying to engage...but it's hard

A major major heart break happened on Saturday night that honestly I am not sure how to recover from. Right now it is so hard to be happy and engaged with little "I" while my emotions go from shock to utter despair and grief. I want to bond with her and love on her, and at times I have been able to do it. For about an hour last night we laughed so hard! But it's that double edged sword waiting to stab me at any moment that says, " She isn't yours. They may still taker her away forever too."I just can't take another heartbreak right now.

However, Hubby and I know that we are on the right path. There is a very special little girl up in heaven right now who taught me all about loving a special needs child, she brought me to her wonderful family, who has showed us the way step by step to being able to make a difference in the lives of some of the sickest children. I will be forever grateful to her I will miss her forever!

3 + 1

So we did get to pick up "I" yesterday. However, FM did not leave a carseat so I had to go a buy one to bring her back here. Knew I should have grabbed the extra one from work. Oh well I'll return it tomorrow. She also came with a bag stinking of smoke, so I washed everything. I assume she'll complain about the dog hair which I will probably send home on something...lol sorry not on purpose but that stuff gets everywhere no matter what you do. The ONLY reason I hate having animals most days.

She did very well last night, she slept ok, she woke up once crying, but she'd rolled onto her left side which is her recent rodding site, so I rolled her over, she went immediately back to sleep and slept until 5am. (Hummm are these the "nightmares" they speak of?")She played in her bed singing to herself for a while. I got up with her around 730 when the girls were up. But since she wasn't crying I didn't feel the need to run in there to get her. She seems pretty happy overall... she's playing with the girls now. They are pushing her making car noises in her chair, she loves it.

As for the girls, the older one is on a kick about not wanting to go to Grandmas house, mainly because she is pretty sick of her parents having to leave her places and she doesn't understand why there has to be such a drawn out process. Honestly I don't think anyone does really. Right now perhaps next week on Thursday is their first extended visit with overnights at their parents house. Sooo I am packing boxes this week, setting bikes out, and sending everything that they have here that they don't use with them. This coming week they will be at their parents from after lunch till bedtime.

In foreign exchange child news, he had a friend over last night, he is also an exchange student and they share a home country. I think it was good for both boys. The friend is very jealous of the living situation, he is lacking in wi-fi and cable where he is! Poor teenagers.

Because she is going to have nightmares after this right?

Round and Round we go...

So I am heading down the two hour drive tomorrow AM to pick "I" up for an extended visit. Soooo....until then... we'll pretend I guess... too bad we returned all the stuff we'd gotten for her on Sunday.

We can make due with what we have until it is or isn't permanent, plus I have the hook-up for things in the meantime that I can borrow.

Starting the 30th the girls will get sleepovers soon with their parents... so maybe they won't be here much... but I think it'll work itself out.

At the very least it will allow us the chance to really see what it will be like and decide if we can really handle it. Of course these two weeks will not be what actual life will be like exactly, but it'll be close!

Just when you thought it was over....

They pull you back in. CPS said in no uncertain terms that they want her with us. They are strongly advocating for us and are not accepting her "adoption" plans as final. So they wanted to know if we would continue as per the original plan and take her on an extended visit until the court date? Which is Oct 9th. At which time every side will be presented, and it will be considered a "Redfile" type of staffing where they take that family and our family and present both sides to a judge. At which time they decide if we take her back or keep her and proceed with the adoption plan to finalization.

I am conflicted, but then again I really think that she should be my daughter and I really want to continue to "fight" for her. At the very least it shows how committed we are to have her as part of our family as we continue to go through this back and forth and back and forth drama. But I don't want to go back and forth with this drama.

However, At least if we do this we can say, we did everything we could have possibly done, less a custody battle, to have her. but I don't want to play games. I don't want to drive all over the state either.

We shall see I guess what happens. I certainly do not want to drive all the way down there to have to come back once again with an empty carseat.

We could actually pick her up Friday... but I wouldn't get my hopes up because all of this is one big mess anyway.

But just keeping the info out there... so everyone is aware just how much of a mess even Foster/Adoption's can be.

Mystery Phone Call

I received a phone call yesterday from the CPS worker on "I"s case. She asked if I would be available to attend a staffing via conference call between her and her supervisor. They wanted to tell me their plan.... ummm... what?

I wonder if...

It's depression that makes me so indecisive right now. I know I procrastinate more when I am in a funk, and I really feel like I am. Add the stagnant state of my education to the stagnant state of my career focus as proof that I am stuck in a holding pattern that may or may not be related to all of the changes and the craziness going on right now.

So many changes, too many changes all at once associated with the "sad" emotions. My daughter moving out on her own, my son leaving for Basic Training, my sister being diagnosed with breast cancer, the adoption highs and lows.

It doesn't help that I think current placement has been a horrible match for us. I feel so bad about the way I feel that I feel bad. I just don't like feeling this way about the whole reason I decided to get into care in the first place.

It's not fair to them and it's not fair to us. I absolutely know what the former FM was saying and how the dynamic of this whole thing, the neediness of this whole case just eats at everything you have until you have NOTHING left. I want to cry and I was never a crier. I dread the doorbell ring because I know they are back. I want to smack myself in the head, kick myself in the ass, or even scream at myself to snap out of it and "fake it till you make it" but honestly I have been faking it this whole time. From day 1 and I haven't made it yet.

I would join the support group but it meets at the same time as one of the visits and overlaps their return time. Blah, blah, blah... that's what I think I am saying.


PS: My entire body aches! That can not be good. I need to do something soon!

Word of the day...Inconvenient

I am pretty drained of this daily putting my life on hold because the parents have visits at any damn time they'd like to show up, not to mention the grandparents have visits and return the children any damn time they want to as well.

Last week 8am on a Saturday, no word this week yet, it seems they are avoiding my text messages, but they haven't come and picked them up yet either, so we were ready early incase there was yet another missed communication and they showed up while we were all sleeping or something, might I add it's a Saturday and we were up early!! I am beyond pissed at this. Mind you every minute I get little whiny voices coming to ask, "When are Mommy and Daddy coming?"

Between the transportation issues for school which is also not at a convenient time for our lives, we have to add in 6 days a week where we have to be home or get home or something regarding a time issue, per the whims of whatever was convenient for the family. How about the people here on the front lines dealing with the fallout of this? How about having to be a meany all the time because I am the one saying " No or I don't know all the time." While the parents get restaurants, go to the lake, or bike riding excursions. Not to mention all the special blankets they keep sending home. WTF is with the blanket obsession with this family? Seriously they came with more blankets than toys or clothes.

Needless to say, I couldn't go away with hubby this weekend because, even though we could have taken the girls with us, we couldn't because they were supposed to have a visit today. We couldn't go to an event on Thursday because it was scheduled to get out the same time as their visit was finished and we may not have made it home in time. Don't get me started on why I had to drop out of a class I had been waiting years to take because of this whole scheduling thing!


So here it is nearly 10am, the girls were told they were going to be spending the day at the lake today with their parents, they were excited, they spent all last night having issues about everything because of the stress the excitement causes, so much so that I had to change the bedroom of the oldest to move her away from her little sister, because they are so beyond frustrated, scared, and uncertain about their future. "What if Mom and Dad are inappropriate again and we can't stay with them?" " I don't think we are ever going home." "Why is it another month?" How do you support trust, when they have been let down so much?

I tried to explain to them that they are progressing so much and that we have to follow a plan. In 10 days they start sleepovers, of course who knows if that will actually happen. Now that the original CM is back in the picture emails and phonecalls do not get returned, and I am the last to know everything, but ya know the first to be blamed for everything.




*** In other news today I feel emotionally drained.***

It's an old story told time and time again...

I never wanted to have to go through this. You may have personally, or you may have only seen it on tv. It's the same old story, even if our "baby" was 4 and not a newborn, and it goes something like this...

We get a call that we were chosen for a little girl. We meet with the "Moms", who in our case were a panel of professionals to include 6 women who begin by tearing us apart, only to build us back up, not once but TWICE! Then you meet the fostermother/mother, they/she seems on-board, I mean they already agreed to place the child for adoption (ours had been available for over a year) Everyone is happy. "What are you going to call her?" we are asked. You start visits, for us it's with the child, but for others it's going to doctor appointments and seeing ultrasound pictures.The feelings are the same however, you start to bond with the child, you start to love it, most especially you start to imagine this child as part of your family. You try and guard your heart because you know that anything can happen when someone see's their newborn for the first time, but this is not a newborn, so we are a little more "sure?". You wait, we waited, till the very last minute to set up the room, you won't do it too early, just in case something happens. You get the call and the excitement happens, your heart soars, your nervous, overwhelmed, for the first time you tell people that you are adopting. You call into work, make a long drive, perhaps you take a flight, either way, the carseat is with you and you have a newly decorated room waiting for your miracle at home. You get to the office, the hospital, wherever your story takes you. You are ushered into a waiting room. You wait and wait. Finally they come and get you, they don't have the "baby" with them, they don't look all smiles. Your heart starts to pound, your insides start to make you feel like you want to vomit. She's changed her mind and wants to keep her. SHOCK, ANGER, SADNESS, DENIAL, ANGER again... where do your emotions take you?

If proper channels had been followed we would not have had to experience this...but what makes us different than all the other infertile couples out there trying to grow their families? NOTHING it seems, NOTHING.

Whether you are watching that pregnancy test turn negative month after month, year after year, or waiting on an adoption registry for your baby, our story has been told time and time again. I have been trying for 15 years to give my husband a child of his "own". Do you know how that feels?

Renewing a Contact, revisiting a Concept

Sometimes you think things just have to happen for something else to happen first. I am of a mind that fate is a huge factor. Why do somethings that seem like they all fall into place, just crash and burn? Maybe it's because there was something else that needed to be accomplished first?

It's not about collecting a paycheck, or adding a specific gender, or even about adding a family member with a disability. It's about being able to help children in need of a good home, children that are supposed to be ours for one reason or another.

So whomever decides to join our family, whomever the Fates say we are to welcome into our family, we will do so with open hearts.

When one do closes another opens, maybe the door closed for her because she was not the one in the most need of our family at this time.

This whole post is actually written with children in mind, an email yesterday revisited a group of brothers that were still hoping to make that forever jump.

To be continued!

Nope it was a 360

Not getting her, getting her, not getting her....Talk about the ultimate cluster fuck! FM decided to sign an intent to adopt her! After all of this, of course that happens after we drove down there and waited an hour in the office. They WILL be getting a request for mileage reimbursement from me that is for sure!

Hubby is taking it the hardest, it hurts his heart so much. I am stuck on pissed, because we asked her over and over and she always said no, my worker said that they should have her sign a letter stating she does not intend to adopt, but they didn't so here we are... they said if we wanted they would take this to trial, force the FM to get her own attorney and they would side with us, but honestly, if she really wants her, this may have been exactly what she needed to finally offer her stability and permanency herself.

Is it a 180 or a 360?

I don't even know where to begin... but let's just say that we are going from 3 to 4 little girls in a matter of a few short days hours. As we speak a staffing has already been done, a call to the AG has been made for an immediate placement change, and a FM has been made aware that the adoption is moving forward despite her attempts to block it.

So let's back up, yesterday, I sent a heart felt email back to the placing agency with my concerns over yesterday's email, which included this statement; "I figured she would say things like this to prove her "fight" against transition as well as to do what they feared. Hubby and I have been having a heart to heart on this and I am not in the business of games! At this time we are removing ourselves from the adoption of "I". Apparently she really wants to keep her, she just doesn't want to adopt her. "

So I received an urgent conference call this AM with the placing Agency and the Case Manager and they called BS to the email she sent see previous post for details. They both said they knew what she was doing and didn't believe it, the "nightmare" insinuations over a few short visits was a pretty huge redflag that she was being less than truthful, or at the very least attributing all of the issues going on in her life, like pain and a new school, to our visits to prove her point that she should have her until January. No matter how long we do visits it will still be an adjustment for her because cognitively she is not going to be able to understand what is happening to her on this scale. Trust me she had no idea we were "new parents" coming to take her away either. Yes I am sure she is going to have adjustment issues, and this will not be a walk in the park or anything, but I also have confidence that she can and will bond to us and that given time she will KNOW we are her forever family. During the visit she didn't mention that "I" cuddled to me and smiled and laughed and when I went to set her down she cried, so I picked her back up and she smiled and laughed and cuddled again. This is not the response of a child who is in jeopardy of not bonding to us... right? (This was not in her wheelchair, it was after that when we were leaving)

The Placing Agency made a strong argument that from the time they sat down and read our homestudy, to the meeting we had with them, they knew we were the perfect family for "I" and would NOT let us go because of this. They expected it, glad to know they were willing to move on it and not take the FMs word as gold. They said they knew she was just trying to make it so she could keep her, yet not have to adopt her, and yes there is a money issue involved. Once the adoption is final the subsidy goes down over 1700 a month, it's a big deal. Since their goal is permanency for her and absolutely should be, they knew that if we fell through so would her chances at being placed in a forever family in the future.

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that this is strictly for "I" best interests, but over and over she mentioned she would have adopted her but...long list of things you should say, with slips of things you probably shouldn't.

My thoughts are so scattered throughout this post sorry if it seems all over the place and choppy. I am in shock I guess. I honestly never thought they would move this quickly, especially after the meeting we had where they seemed to support her transition plan. I can't even put into words how crazy this all seems. Overwhelming!

Wow there will be 5 kids here! The girls won't be transitioned home until the 15th or so of October, if they judge signs off on it, she may not. Plus of course we have our exchange student, who btw just got a written list of rules left in his room. Apparently without a daily reminder he just can't remember them. His room is nasty! Which is NOT allowed! Bio, foster, adopted, or exchange- I put a lot of money and time into making nice rooms for everyone, I expect them to be treated with respect and cared for!

FM's email

An email to CM from FM
We have had three visits and after wards she becomes a needy cry baby . She is having a very hard time at school ,Thursday they called cause she just wasn"t a happy camper , on Friday she was crying and screaming so much I had to go get her early the minute she heard my voice she stopped till she didn't hear and then started again . I did take her home early . Last Wednesday Christine and her daughter inlaw came to my house , I was just putting her in the shower , They did her hair /half of it , I then said let"s take a break and do lunch Christine was putting her in her chair and the right leg got stuck under the left and she screamed . I then picked her up to calm her , She was more then willing to eat , but would not swallow it . I did scoop the food out of her mouth . I haven't had to do that since we first started feeding by mouth. She is waking up in the middle of the night crying . If you have any questions please feel free to contact me .


BTW- we didn't do her hair while she was screaming she did. We did it while she was asleep after. She fed her and she wouldn't swallow, I fed her and she did but it was a small amount of cookie. She pulled her hair alot while finishing it so she was very traumatized by it. I was the one who placed her in her WC and was adjusting her, because they had it set up wrong when she just said pick her up, and then fixed the chair because I had my hands full- she did not scream she fussed a tiny bit, she was quite and happy after that and very interactive with me and continued to be. Her school is new and she's never been there before. She also didn't mention our first visit she also went to Phx first then drove back over there hadn't seen in a year the same day you saw us. Yeah... they warned us... they should not take what she says as gospel... we shall see.


**Our adoptions worker said to not do anything until she talks to the case manager, but after the last visit I had nearly already made up my mind because like I posted before... I figured when she said she was going to fight it... that all of a sudden she would be having "Major" issues. **

Sneaky Bleeders

Almost on a daily basis I find blood spots and disgusting tissues around the house, evidence of a recent unreported bloody nose. (These girls are serious nose pickers) Of course by now they know to get a tissue and the cloth with ice to stop it, but they do not understand the concept of the nasty mess someone's blood has, and the fact that blood stains, and no one wants to clean up your messes.

Movie Night

Just Keep Swimming...

Waiting on my adoptions worker to call me to get her opinion on where we should take this. I will also be emailing the adoptions coordinator at the placing agency to let them know of the development with FM.

Also we are thinking of going to an adoption meet and greet next Thursday, and getting information on the little girl that my adoptions worker keeps talking about as well. Back up plans for my back-up plans I guess.

With that said we are also considering scrapping the whole adoption thing and might be sticking with just straight up foster care CDH only.

I wish I could just make up my mind, but right now it's like I have no idea where that should be! I think the life suck that is going on with this case is a lot of the problem. I just wish they would not drag this out so much! 6 days a week there is something going on, now add that doctor visits are due now for annuals and you have 7 days a week something with most days being doubled with something else too.

They also have a fall break 2 week recess coming up. I am hoping that they are being transitioned home for extended stays by this point. It's from the 30th to the 15th. The court hearing for placement is on the 22nd of OCT.

So as exhaustion and emotional turmoil over all of my feelings and stress rear their ugly heads, I just keep chanting to myself... "just keep swimming" ala Dori. Because right now I have no idea which way I should be going!

I spoke to soon...

Yeah I was wrong, she will try and sabotage the placement. She came right out and said that she is fighting already against our prospective date of Nov 1st to have "I" come to us. She stated she is pushing for her original January date. She threw around technical terms, disruption for example, like she had any clue as to who the hell we were, but stated that since "I" has disrupted from two previous placements when she was a baby, that this would happen now. I don't expect this to be a cake walk, I expect a learning curve for all of us, I do have a TON of knowledgeable resources at my disposal and a great support system with more medical experience at my figertips. But seriously she is not really that complicated of a little girl. With some direction as to her current care, meeting with a few of her doctors and therapists, and getting some quality time in with her to get some bonding done, the planned transition will be MUCH easier than the crap pile of drama and ODD we are living with now.

What will cause us to back out would be 3 empty beds and no foster income for 4 months! She says why don't you fill your beds before she comes, yeah I already thought of that but we can't, because the placing agency said we couldn't (red flag), she also brought up the difference in pay for CDH vs subsidy,(red flag) she brought up that WE are the only interest they have had on her. (red flag)

Why the red flag alerts? Because if we are the only interest that has been made for her and we back out because she presses the longer than usual transition, then she gets to keep her as a long term foster placement (because she is getting bigger and older and very few people want to adopt older special needs kids), thus she gets to keep her and the higher rate of pay at the same time. If we push to have our beds available prior to her coming, will they think that we are not serious about her and rescind the extension of her placement? I drove two hours after working an overnight shift to see her for two hours, to return drive two hours to go to work tonight. I'd say that is committed, I mean heck she is not a complicated little girl at all. She is easy going, just don't do her hair.

Third visit

Today is our third visit with "I" I will be going down there to visit her with my future DIL in tow. Wish my daughter could have joined us then it could have been a true Mommy daughter bonding day.

I must confess that I almost didn't get to go today. I overspent this weekend and ran out of money, which is pretty important for gas with a drive that far. I do not have a reserve fund, yeah I should fix that! Anyway, I am returning a set of curtains that I don't like and well, gas money became available.

I am excited and nervous and not looking forward to the drive but will have my future daughter-in-law with me so we can bond as well. We are both missing my son like crazy!

The girls have started another day of visits, so now they see their parents every day except Monday. All this has done has increased the behaviors of the oldest, "I am bad because I don't like it here." Because she thinks that this will make it so now she can go home sooner. I wish she would get the picture that because she is bad, is why she doesn't like it here. She doesn't like it here because she doesn't like to get in trouble. But she has said she breaks the rules on purpose. You know you are breaking the rules and will infact get in trouble, is it necessary to prove this point? I know so many of you are going through this, the great and powerful ODD is a fucking jerk!

When it rains... it floods

But that's not really the point, except to say that the closest and most direct route to the girls school is flooded and I can't get there without taking the 1.5 hour long detour. So needless to say this is NOT the day for the transport to get messed up for the girls school pick-up. Once again another reason why they should NOT have been allowed to go to that school without being already HOME!

CPS dropped the ball and instead of calling transport to cancel this am, like I had them requested that they do because I was taking the girls to a doctor appointment, which btw at the very last minute (we were in the office) was cancelled, so because they came to the door and we were not home, they as in the transport people, automatically cancelled the return trip... it's NEVER been a this way/that way trip for them, especially not this case with all of the daily changes. Somedays it's oneway, some days its the other, somedays its even a different location. The fact that they did that automatically is messed up, and yeah CPS is at fault.

So needless to say the father is actually going over there to get them and bring them here. I'd say they have more ammo for the push to move them home sooner rather than later, I mean heck they stranded the girls after school for more than an hour! Plus I had to drop them off 30 minutes early to beat a road closure getting home.

Yup... I think something needs to change and fast.

Special Days

I spent yesterday having a great day with everyone. The AM was spent with my daughter, lunch and shopping. The afternoon was spent with the hubby, the girls and our foreign exchange son Jae. We had a VERY nice night. No meltdowns! We went to dinner and ice-cream, followed by a trip to big toy store for me and the birthday girl and oldest. Hubby, Jae, and the youngest went over to the Mall. Then the girls and I all went night swimming.

Despite being told that only the middle could pick out a toy for her birthday, the oldest did not have any issues in the store. She had some normal, I really want that, I really wish I could get that, buy this moments. But they were subtle and easily redirectable.

I bought everything I could find at the Dollar Store earlier that had a certain fairy on it for middle girl, and filled up a gift bag with about 15 things. She was delighted, excited, and amazed. The smile was for ear to ear. " This is the best birthday ever." she exclaimed. At the toy store she picked out 1 $7.99 item instead of the more expensive ones, and I did not even give her a spending limit at the section of toys she was looking at.

My wallet and my heart were very happy yesterday!


Today "I" is coming over for a visit! Phone is charging to take plenty of pictures! Hope she has a good day after the LONG drive. Her FM says she loves rides... so hoping she will be just as responsive as the other day!

That we will have to make again, and again, and again...

Things were a little bumpy today. They started off well, this is the paperwork we already sent you, this is what she qualifies for, yes your worker should make sure you have your CDH completed, you are perfect for her, we'll transition slower she's shy, when?, January.....(insert noise of squealing brakes here) EXCUSE ME!! I must have heard you wrong!

So, I listened asked a lot more questions, then we got to see a video of her, and well she is AMAZING! She talks, she giggles, she is beautiful.

We got to the point where they said, "We usually have you wait 24 hours and then give us an answer, but do you want to move forward?"

At this time I said, " Well I just need to talk to my husband and licensing worker for a second about something."

At which time we expressed that there is NO WAY we will move forward if the transition won't be until January. This is a domestic adoption in the same state, come on now... what gives?

At which time it was expressed that the foster mother was reluctant and wanted to adopt her, but couldn't because there is not enough subsidy and she is "too old" her words not mine. So we said that a slower transition is one thing but almost 5 months is crazy, then you add another 6 months to that, that nearly puts our adoption certification to a point to run out before we can even get a second placement, our foster care license comes up again and thats 9 months with empty beds!

So they did agree to pay for our travel expenses for transition visits to happen more frequently and agreed that our timeline of end of October was very realistic goal and it may be sooner if she seems to be adjusting well... Who is the judge of that really though? But they wanted her to continue to progress and not shut down,

So we went to meet her and her foster mom said she is shy and won't talk or respond to voices she didn't know and won't eat for anyone but foster mom. We'll she talked with us, she played with us, she turned toward me and was even leaning forward for me to hold her, and let me give her a taste of some those fruit pouchy thingies. At one point the foster sister was teasing her about getting her hair brushed and putting the comb to her head to illustrate that the little one just does not like it! Well she did start to pitch a fit and cry and I was able to comfort her and redirect her attention and get her laughing again pretty quick! So... proved them WRONG!

The best part is that it was observed by the adoptions worker at the agency


She has my heart I can tell you that! BTW the picture post is from last Easter... so it's not much different than she actually looks, but yeah she does have a ton of hair!

Two hour drive

Tomorrow we make the first two hour drive down to meet "I". I am nervous and excited. What will she really look like? How big will she really be? How severe are her needs really? Will the family like us?

Ok so I really don't care of the family likes us at all. Weird but I don't really have much invested yet, especially not in impressing the foster family. I am not going to go in there all cocky, or all nonchalant either. But I do reserve the right to be RESERVED.


At one time I thought, "she is my daughter." But as soon as I said those words out loud, well I took them back. I think I guard my heart too much sometimes. I don't want to do it, but it's a product of my stoic upbringing, except that with my biochildren we were and are very affectionate, I just am not so with other people's kids, which sadly can include nieces and nephews sometimes-to me it's a tad awkward after a certain age I guess. Plus being a Pediatric Nurse, if I did not guard my heart it would break and bleed everyday.

Now this isn't to say that I think I could walk away and not look back, because right now I look at her picture almost everyday. We comment in daily life about what it will be like to have her. We have already a room called, "I's" room. It's just that I have yet to make my final decision on whether to open my heart or not, just incase.

This is pretty complicated business, it's a pretty big decision, sometimes I have to just let my heart and my brain battle it out.

Looking forward to Wednesday

A lot of answers will be had on Wednesday.


I am not looking forward to Monday. Why is there such dread?

ODD rearing it's ugly head

A full on battle to put hearing aides on and honestly when they left for their weekend visit today I am not even sure she had them on at all!

It was one of those mornings where it was a battle from breakfast to the door! She didn't want breakfast, left the table 4 times randomly and left her dishes there, but she was hungry and stole cookies out of the pantry when she knew I was outside and hubby is less than skilled at paying any kind of attention to her. She constantly chased the dog around the house. Kept crashing her airplane into everything breakable around the house and would wait until I left the room to grab it again from where she was told to put it. See comment on hubby above. She refused to help clean up the mess she made in the playroom. "Lost" her shoes. And talked back or argued with me all day about everything. When she hit her sister over the who was to get to use the broom, aka pretend to be actually cleaning the playroom, I crooked my finger at her to leave the room, she says, "Great now I am going to get beat up!" WTF? I have never laid a hand on her, and never threatened to do so. (but seriously sometimes I want to shake her.. but I just walk away and hide). I asked her to repeat what she said, "Now I am going to get hurt." Her sisters piped in and said, " No you aren't you will just get a time out like always." I mean seriously? That is all I need. She said, "she will get put roughly into her room." I have never even done that. The other night she was standing in the doorway of her sister's room taunting her after lights out, so I clapped my hands very loudly to get her attention, I am trying to do something instead of yell she said, " Why did you throw something at me?" It will be a happy happy day when she finally goes home!!!

I am thankful though that bioMom cut oldests hair into a short bob and now... no more hair battle... in my best Forrest Gump voice... "good, one less thing"!!

Sneaky Updates

Just so you know there are sometimes sneaky little updates under some of the tabs ;-)

Court Update

So what has changed? Not much again. So continues as before with a slow increase over the next month or two of transition visits. The lawyer requested an immediate placement hearing and was given 10/22! WTF? So anyway, we are hoping that they will be able to transition without issues by our 9/30 plan and make the transition complete after their fall break. I think it will work from there.

I made all of the doctor and dentist appointments for next month. Hoping that the parents will be able to attend and provide transport from the appointments to school those days.

I reviewed the psych evals and well, nothing was unexpected and nothing was noted that I had not already told them I had witnessed. Older was dx'd with a Pervasive Developmental Disorder but not specifically given the Autistic designation because her symptoms could be the result of her neglected hearing impairment and the resulting alternative adaptation processes. So until they can fix her communication difficulties they really won't know if the rest of the symptoms are on the spectrum still.

So all in all more days away from us and with the parents but not a full on transition home yet. But there is an end in sight.

I emailed the adoptions worker to see where that would place us on bringing our little one home, since we currently are only licensed for 3. Perhaps they can change it to 4? It's been known to happen. ***Her response was that they are also requesting a slow transition. Add that to the 6 months after placement for any other placements... and well... we may have to make some tough decisions. However, if their slow transition takes places during the slow transitions for the girls well it will equal out and as 1 set leaves, the other comes home****


I do still reserve the right to change my mind a million times over this process!

Oh clothes... wow the choices you make

Parenting a child with Autism is tough work. Most especially is the morning dread of, "Wow what will she come down in today?" Sometimes I just let it fly. Our morning, afternoon, evening, any change of clothes really involves at least a quick once over to make sure nothing is stained, obviously dirty, worn yesterday,too revealing, and sometimes yes I even have to monitor for the grossly mismatched. I allow for her "creative flair" to shine through most days, if all of the criteria are met. This morning on the other hand included two vetos for her choices. Sometimes special needs children need to be protected from themselves. Bullying over clothes are a big issue. I really really wish that this were a uniform school.

I wonder how her parents ability to accept that will be? They are a "perfect"ly fake family. The girls had to be deprogrammed quite a bit in therapy on this concept of everything has to be perfect. The little one is still very much struggling with this concept, I think the inner princess in her and a little bit of the genetic make-up passed down from Grandma and Mom are strong in this one.

Court Tomorrow

Official report is that it be recommend that unsupervised visits start but proceed slowly. So we will see what the judge says. According to the behavior coach today when she has been there on Friday mornings they are well organized and doing exactly what they should be doing. So that is a good sign there. I want this to be over, but most especially I want it to be done so that they are not just bounced back either. I think they had a come to jesus moment and will get out of their selfish ways and do what is best for them.

I kinda don't want to say anything against them, because we are far from perfect either. It's hard to get into a routine with 3 very needy girls when things keep changing and the girls are not be most reliable sources of information either. They lack some very basic skills and their comprehension is a little slow on the uptake.

Are they better off here or there? THERE! Period. That is the whole point right? They have worked their program and seem very committed to working with services, what more can you ask for?

Grandmama Drama

Can I just say that the extent of the involvement with this grandmother is just too damn much for my liking. Counting down the days... seriously, if they don't release them to home soon. They should just send them to her damn house. She thinks its easy... where they heck was she BEFORE they came into care?

Settling In

So overall I have done a lot of bitching on here. I mean it was crazy stuff that went down, and honestly still is. I am sure that it's just the nature of the beast.

Hubby and I were talking, despite really being ready for this placement to end, we both agreed that it was getting easier. I guess it was a huge culture shock for us. The dynamics of our family had changed drastically and a bit unexpectedly.

Now though we are starting to settle into a more "normal" pattern and I can see glimpses of the "FAMILY" that I have always wanted starting to develop. The large family.

Right now we have 4 kids at home, 1 away at college, and 1 away at Basic Training who is also engaged! It's that dynamic sort of busy that I have always wanted. The concept of big family gatherings, bustling dinners, etc... are within our grasp. (Even if some of those kids aren't typical-they still have a special place and great value to our family)

Right now the issue is that I really am sick of shared parenting and that is what the biggest issue is with the 3 we have now. We have gotten used to the drama of 3 little girls. We have gotten skilled at anticipating the triggers of the oldest and the ODD that is guaranteed to show it's head. We have celebrated the middle girls new found excitement at life! Besides the whining of the little one that just makes my ears bleed, her innocence is starting to show and her exploration of the world with wonder is a joy to witness. It's all starting to come together. But it's not forever.

The 4 here now aren't our forever children. They are just borrowed and that kinda makes me sad. Why? Because just as we get into the groove of establishing a family, things will change and we will have start over.
Don't get me wrong, by NO means would we ever keep the girls! It's more like putting in a lot of hard work, only to start all over again.



But NEW is exciting, but also... yeah I am dreading it too!

Medical Disclosure

Today in the mail we received two huge envelopes of medical disclosure on our little "I". Let's just say that they did not remove all of the identifying information so we now know her full name. With that being said, if you believe in signs then it was meant to be that she was supposed to be hubby's daughter. She has the name of his favorite relative as her middle name which we would have given to our bio-daughter had we had one.

So I guess this means we are probably not doing a name change on her to what I had planned.

4 and me

So next week hubby has a last minute work trip he has to take. So it'll be me and 4 kids from Monday till Thursday. Hopefully my daughter will be here to help because the schedules are all messed up for everyone.

Have I mentioned I love my new exchange son? Gosh how I wish every teenage boy was like this! I will definitely consider hosting again next year!

Progress

CPS has decided to allow some unsupervised visitation to start this weekend and continuing to next week, then court will decide what will happen. Everyone still has concerns, I spoke with CASA today, but it is what it is. Just because we do not agree with the way someone parents does not mean its all together wrong. To be continued...

Have I mentioned

I hate this school the girls are at? It's one big time suck and money pit. Every day its some new notice being sent to us about paying for this, buying that, volunteering mandatory hours... blah blah blah...

This will NOT happen. 1 thing I am not volunteering there. Sorry but I am just not able to make that commitment. I have all I can do with the commitments I have already made. I did not chose this school. So if there is any mandatory anything someone who did pick it will have to step up. Of course that can't happen.

I feel bad for not being as involved in the schools for the kids as I was with my own children, but given the circumstances this is just not possible.

I just can't allow them to prolong this placement here after this next court date. We need to move on and move forward. Rip off the bandage and getting moving already.

I know lost cause and I should quit bitching about what I can not change, but the point is... well there really isn't a point this mess is just a mess. Heck I don't even remember when the next court date is at this point... the 27th I think.

Certified

Officially certified for adoption.

Official Army Mom

As of this afternoon my baby is no longer a future soldier but an official one! Wow this is tough!

Adoptions Update

September 4th is our "Presentation" meeting. At this meeting we meet the adoptions staff and get a briefing on everything that has been "I" her entire life. We then get to meet her. It's at 10am and two hours away! Not a big deal but another change in the visitation schedule as well as the late start for school and yeah it sorta puts a wrench in the plans. But my daughter has agreed to sit until they head off so crisis averted.

Hey, they may not even be here by then... ya never know!

What's the point?

Was the sentiment from therapy today. The girls all seem well adjusted and happy she says. So I guess maybe we are doing something right? She wants to set aside her therapy visits until the reunification transition team takes over, so if issues do evolve at that time they can address them directly.

She said they have made significant improvements since first coming to us. Well duh, there were a lot of changes going on at one time, plus they changed from one house to another, there weren't any kids here, and there were a lot of new rules. It was pretty stressful for us all.

Now that the adjustment period is over and they are settling in and we are settling into a routine with them, it seems easier in a way. Heck if they took out the school location, and the mess with the parents ever changing visitation schedule, we have a pretty good system that works. Including the visits with Biograndma.

To add to the settling in feeling, we have started adding a few things to their rooms. Small changes, things that make them feel more at home here, without being totally taste specific. For example we bought them each a new nightlight/lamp (they can take these when they leave), but we added them to nightstands that will stay and that go with the sets of beds that we have. We also add small things to the playroom every few weeks as well. This last weeks addition is an easel with chalkboard and white board (Ikea $15). We are hoping to add a VCR to the TV that is in there, because we still have a ton of kids movies on VHS, But this is proving harder than expected. Next week I want to add some bookshelves for organization for each room with neutral baskets instead of color specific ones.

They are also pretty excited about the prospect of our unused formal living-room being converted into a work-out room. This is a project that has just started and is FAR from finished, but they like planning it. From what we will put on the floor to what types of machines will be in the room, they want their say. They could just as happily stay here... they have all said that a few times now. Even the oldest one. She talks a lot about "our house" meaning theirs the one they currently live in, versus their "Mom and Dad's House". I let them help me pick things out and and when new things appear they are so excited to see them and share them with every visitor they have.

"Look what we got for our house!"

Cancelled visits and transportation woes

Yet again the transportation was messed up for the girls for school yesterday. They were over an hour early making the girls an hour early for school. You just can't drop kids off and pick them up when you please! This is why I was soooo against this idea in the first place. Add to that you just can't expect a third party to be able to handle all of these changes.

Also, 43 minutes prior to a scheduled visit pick-up time the case aide texts me to change the visit. We can't do a morning, can we make it this afternoon? Well NO you can not continue to make changes last minute like this. It does not work this way. Visits are at scheduled times. If you are unable to continue to make that time... it is considered a missed visit on your part. This is not summer where we can change things last minute. Then she says well we have to have alternate plans for transportation for missed visits. Then don't miss visits. The reason for the changes are what? Work? You should have known your work schedule two weeks ago when you made this change! They have this expectation that they can change whenever they want, the problem is they have been able to get away with it for so long.

Today's issue triggers a major chain reaction though. For one thing, in order to save on gas my husband likes to take my car on days that I don't have anywhere to go. I can not transport all the way from my house to their school with his truck. If there is an emergency and I have to pick a sick kid up from school, then yeah I could take it... because it's one and not three. Of course I would be pissed, because it's half an hour away from here, and not 1 block over! But anyway, each change then effects every other thing for the day.

I am going to have to have a conversation with the case manager when she comes back. My two weeks notice will be placed at that time. Hopefully it will be that they will just go home after their court date the end of the month. But it won't happen like that and it will probably continue and continue. We just can not function with this school schedule and with these transportation issues, as well as all of these changes in visits.

Besides the inconvenience, the stress on the girls adds so much more crazy to this. They thrive on structure and routine, sounds to me like the parents, especially the Mom, haven't figured that out yet.

And so it goes

Things are starting to settle in I guess. The transitions are over for us and we are used to having little ones around again. Of course now that they may be going home in a few weeks. But now we know that yes it's hard in the beginning, but it does give us an idea about the length of time adjustments take. Things we can expect in the future. So at least we know it does get a little easier. Don't get me wrong there are days I still want to pull my hair out, but those are normal parenting things. Of course this school situation, added to doctors appointments, and the constant changing of visitation schedules has caused quite a few drama filled days. But overall things are settling into a routine and routines are good.

The girls now request hugs from us, so that is nice. We can sit and chat and I have started being able to let the silly out. They are also enjoying the one on one time with us, instead of fearing being separated from their sister crutches.

Now with that said we still have to give constant reminders of the same things. I have instituted a new rule. Leave the lights on and you have an extra chore to do to help pay for the bill. Yup 6,7 and 9 year olds can help clean their bathrooms, fold their laundry, and wash and put away their dishes. As well as make their beds, clean their rooms, and clean their playroom.

Decorating & Things

So we are getting a foreign exchange student, which gave me an excuse to decorate a room. Except, as with anyone staying temporarily I didn't want to decorate taste specific to someone. With that said ever since we moved in here I had a plan to do our "guest" room in Americana theme. So I took the opportunity to do that with this guest room. Right now it only has a twin bed in it, but the comforter in it is a full, so it can be converted when we change the bed. Actually when we move the bed upstairs with it's twin.




But here it is, probably a little over kill. There are a few walls not shown. Like over the closet is another wooden flag, over the bedroom doors it says, " Let Freedom Ring " , over the desk is a white board and two clocks (1 with local time, 1 with his local time). This bedroom also has it's own bathroom... which is pictured below as well.

** Decision-ish**

We gave the go ahead to begin the process with her.... and we will see where the chips fall with the boys. So right now we are looking at the first week in September for the face to face meeting and disclosure meeting.

The agency is looking into seeing if the rule of a 6 month no placement is a state thing, if it isn't then she said there are ways around an agency rule.


*** I don't think that I have to provide for the privacy of this little one, such as not posting her pic, since she is actually searchable on the national website, which is where this specific picture came from to begin with. Anyways,today I looked at her profile and saw this in bright red letters....


AZ01686

Status: Hold, placement pending ***

BTW... yeah that's US!

Don't sweat the small stuff

But as a foster parent of course I am worried about the girls going to school looking "unkempt" I try and make sure they are clean, but I also let them wear what they want. Of course I really wish they were a uniform school!! It makes things so much easier. I am getting some of their clothes allotment soon, but not soon enough!

The point is that Mom is a HUGE freak about perfection, cuteness and let's face it she wants 3 Barbie dolls. The oldest on the other hand, heck even the youngest, have minds of their own and they love to be fashion designers when it comes to outfits. As long as they look appropriate for their age, I am ok with whatever they chose. Except we had to fix the hair. She just does not get it that she has a back of her head and it needs to be brushed too.

How do you chose between your children?

Ok so good news... she is ours they took less than 10 minutes to decide... bad news we would not be able to accept any new placements for 6 months after she comes.

Good news is the boys are also ours also and the red file meetings, as I expected are simply a formality, So the boys are very bonded to their foster parents and call them Mom & Dad so a longer transition period was expected. But not 6 months long.

So how do you chose between your children? The agency has a few ideas to bypass this, like moving the staffing up for the boys for next week and starting the transition prior to "I" coming home. Then going to the placing agency and saying please don't deny this child a forever home based on an arbitrary rule. Maybe they will split the difference with us and say 3 months?


We are open to waiting 6 months to get the boys... but only once we switch "I" over to a CDH placement. This allows for all fees to be covered and for the beds to remain empty.

URGH!!!!! Decisions Decisions.... once again... how do you chose between your children? Are they already my children? Maybe my heart has decided for me and I didn't even know it!

Paper Pregnant

I heard this term searching a forum on AZ adoption looking for some insight into this "Red File" process. Someone mentioned that they wanted to know if Paper Pregnant was offensive or not.

So then I started thinking about it and realized that this is kinda how I feel. I feel like I am "pregnant" in a way. In the very early stages, first trimester where you know you are expecting a child, but are not sure of the gender, and most especially you are not sure if the "pregnancy" is going to make it to full-term.

So much can happen with this process, we can still not be chosen. Which in a way still feels like a loss. It's almost as if we are pregnant with triplets. We could go from expecting 3 little members to join our family to 1, 2, or zero! Will it be the boys or the girl or both?

The uncertainty and the emotional ups and downs are eerily similar. One minute you are making plans for the rooms, looking at toys, imagining what life will be like, even trying to decide if you will change their names and what names you would change them to if you could. The next minute you are resigned to not having them, to not wanting to think about it at all. Even be scared because you have been thinking that this is way to much to handle, which is probably how expectant parents of multiples, or even those with really young children feel, when the concept of adding little ones into the family already crazy busy happens.

So NO I do not think that "paper pregnant" is offensive. We are waiting on a piece of paper to tell us whether or not our family will expand... like a home pregnancy test tells you.

The months of waiting and the unknown... yeah sounds pretty accurate to me!

Exchange

As if there isn't enough going on, we may be hosting an exchange student. I registered way back last year and received a pleading email and call yesterday to see if we would consider one this semester. Yikes... I should probably have said no. But maybe it will be beneficial to hubby and I and the experience may be great!

**There has been a lot of back and forth with this process now. They still need to complete the background check (yup ANOTHER one)but we have been pre-approved pending that part, knowing we are foster parents they know we are approved so they have already given us the info packs on their top three choices. So then we will either have a girl from Italy (who is the #1 choice currently) a boy from South Korea, or a boy from Sweden living with us in two weeks. I could not make the decision between these three so I made them pick.***

Movement

So on Aug 15th we are going to selection panel on little girl "I". On Aug 26th we are going to selection panel on 2 little boys "D" & "J". They are called red file meetings. Yeah I have no idea why, but they are. So by the end of the month we may have some big change ups going on. "I" will not require a long transition period, if we are chosen for her, where as the boys will most likely require a good amount of transition time.

Which brings us to a few things...

The girls may be moving sooner than we thought, not home, but a family member has stepped up and may get approved. After the CFT the CPS worker was worried that we were going to straight up disrupt and that they would need to find another home for them, at this state they do not want to do that obviously. But because I was not at all on board with the school issues and the random parental visits, they are worried, yeah I get that. However, we are NOT at the stage that we would just request that they be moved. CPS dealt with the transportation and I got my daughter on board to pick up some babysitting that I would need in order to keep my Operating Room Training Program that starts in two weeks. Although with that being said hubby has expressed to me that he is at his end point and has stated that he would like them to go sooner rather than later. 1 because he is starting to get too attached to the little one that he just doesn't want to see her go, and two because he is in wayyy over his head with the oldest one's behaviors and needs.


Now despite not being at the disrupting point and resigned to them staying until September, we are also not willing to have them until December (as someone pointed out) with the way things have been handled with all of this... If this case should drag on and on, we just are not in a position where we want to continue to have everything constantly in a state of chaos where they are concerned. Since this case has NO possible permanency chance with us, to drag on and on the way it has been is just not something that we want to continue to do. We have always stated that long term foster care for us will be with medically fragile children and that is all. But it also throws in jeopardy the adoptive placements. If chosen we don't want months and months to go by with these kids sitting in their lack of permanency situations. Or we don't want this placement to jeopardize our being chosen because we aren't "available" yet and a less than ideal alternative is accepted.

So we shall see how things turn out. I am willing to continue until the end of the month, at which time we will know where we stand with the adoptive placements too. What is willed shall be... and I have to accept that.

Family Style Bonding...

Some us and them time after dark in the pool. A special treat because it was way after bedtime. It was very fun and the girls were so cute.

The middle child was very chatting and we played quite a few games just her and I. We had some good kidding conversations. My favorite part, " So Christine, what do you want to chat about? We can chose so many different things..." and we did.

ODD

And I am not talking about the odd as in weird. "Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a childhood disorder that is characterized by negative, defiant, disobedient and often hostile behavior toward adults and authority figures primarily".

"Negativistic and defiant behaviors are expressed by persistent stubbornness, resistance to directions, and unwillingness to compromise, give in, or negotiate with adults or peers. Defiance may also include deliberate or persistent testing of limits, usually by ignoring orders, arguing, and failing to accept blame for misdeeds"

Oh yeah we have one of those. Some days are better than others, usually when there is a reward or something involved that she chooses or if she is getting a lot of 1:1 special attention (which you also have to answer a barrage of, "Am I being good right now?" questions every 5 minutes these usually indicate that she wants you to buy her something or take her to another "fun" place, also of her choosing), but most days straight out of bed it's back talk, doing the opposite, or straight up refusing to follow the rules... over and over and over again. It's challenging... could be worse, wayyy worse, but it's frustrating nontheless and not something that we expected or were warned about. It's funny how after you start mentioning these things, psych evaluations previously completed suddenly mention,"Oh yeah we questioned if she had that."


The other day we discussed why she is so contrary at home but good outside the home (usually). She didn't have much of an answer other than just "because". In my opinion,it's more likely because she has textbook symptoms. "Manifestations of the disorder are almost invariably present in the home setting, but may not be evident at school or in the community."

I agree in the community activities that she attends and at school she had NO behavior issues! Yup... could be worse :-)




And that concludes today's lesson in childhood abnormal psychology.

CFT..Pfffftt'd

Is that a word? Oh well... I sent a nasty email off and all was resolved... as in I will not be transporting, they sent in a request to give me the extra school supply and school clothing allowance for the girls, and will be finding the daycare that I need for those two days!

I bet they can't wait until they don't have to deal with me... or is it I bet they can't wait until this totally off the wall unorthodox case is closed?

Yes they have been bending backwards and forwards with everyone involved with this case so I can't really complain much... but it's Thursday and I am tired. Having not slept more than 1 hour a day for a week gets to ya after awhile. I DID not plan for Frank to not work when the idea of this whole thing came about... maybe we need to make some other changes... Maybe I just need to go with the flow, whichever direction that goes in?

I am most concerned that this will affect everything else, which will not make me happy at all. Everyone still seems like they are on board with the plan, the next court date is the 28th, at which time unsupervised visits start, then another transition month?

Actually I am considering just having him quit... but then I think.... um... better not just yet. Because well I don't have quite enough faith in his ability to handle what needs to be done daily... and we need just a tad more money... should I just drop out of my class?

Court

Went like this... not much changes until the psych eval is done. After the psych eval is done then the court will make the decision based on the recommendations of the Dr. Yes it's still moving toward reunification and perhaps it will be the end of the month, but right now... nuttin'.

So they managed to get the oldest into the other school so they all will go to that school starting Friday. CFT tomorrow so more info on the plan, but now I have all of the kids home, so I guess that means I am not going to that one either.

Comtrans will be able to provide transportation, but this does come into a problem when my classes start, especially the Monday one. Frank has some Friday's off so he will be here for them but I am supposed to be at class by 7am and they don't have to go to school until 11am.... if worse comes to worse they will just have to go to daycare in the AM then be transported to school from there... yup probably what I will do. Ok.

Anyway, my Adoption worker called today with news on BOTH sets of kids I mentioned before. We are the front runners for the little girl, and we are being presented on the 26th to the panel for the little boys. So we need to get our family album together. They are very interested in us as well, I am sorta on the fence still until after I actually meet them though.

I received the disclosures for both sets about their backgrounds. I also have to fill out a "Why should we place this child with you" form. Basically it's pretty much just how can you meet the needs of this special child if she is placed with you?

To be continued...

It's like this...

I received a letter yesterday from the parents with contact info for them finally! In time for the court hearing today! Gosh I can't wait to hear what the actual plan is going to be.

However with that said, Why on earth do the parents get to enroll these children in school close to their homes if the children are not going home? So I say that yes they must be going home and soon. Because I will NOT be dropping them off or picking them up that far away everyday!! The school here is 1 block over! Yes 1 block. That is ride your bike close enough! Plus all 3 can attend as it is a very good public school with a great special education system. Of course I would not just enroll them, then make them switch schools... oh ya mean like their parents are currently doing? Because the oldest can't get into the school that they chose the older two, who have been attending school all week, will be changing schools too!

Seriously why bother then? School in the district that they currently live in has not even started yet so it's not like they are missing anything.

So yeah I am being a bitch about it and making CPS transport. Why shouldn't I? 42 miles round trip.. course that is better than the crap I dealt with at the beginning which was 76 miles a day round trip, of course that was because of my stupid big mouth.But this time NO because the point is, that a perfectly acceptable school is 1 block away and has not even started yet and would not have had the girls start school prior to the decisions of the court, then have to transfer!



PS: We are being highly recruited for a sibling set of 3 boys ages 10-15. While they are not in our wheelhouse of what we were thinking about at starting this process, I have not closed any doors and we have agreed to at least meet with them and see if we have a connection or want one. Who knows we could end up with that HUGE family I always wanted and then I'd really have something to complain about :-)

The Final countdown

We were excited that school was starting, only to find out that the oldest one is NOT able to start school with the other two due to an issue with special education requirements. Not good. She being the one we really need the break from. The school denied admission to her based on her needs. So alternate locations are being sought to see if they can accommodate all 3. This should be reconciled soon! I feel bad for her since she is feeling so left out. She really wanted to go back to that school. Had they stayed here I would have just put them all in the local public Elementary school down the street. They have a great special education department in this district which is good for us in the future too.

Today they see the judge. Hopefully she see's it our way and that the girls would not benefit from a drawn out transition home. They just do not do good with the unknown and need concrete plans. New situations add more anxiety for the littles but it adds more anxiety to draw it out verses making it quick for the big one. Plus selfishly, I really need them to go home already. The oldest and I (and Frank) do not gel and I just can not take it anymore. Everyday there is more acting out, more of doing the same things over and over, now we have added, "well at my Mom and Dads house we could do that." I really wanted to say that, "yes you could, but that is why you were in foster care because those things are not safe." But really what's the point of engaging the behavior, it's what she really wants anyway. It sure has been great practice for, "what not to do in the future".

There are still concerns with the "situation" because one parent is still pretty much not there yet and probably won't be. The youngest had a panic attack at the idea of not being in the same class as her sister. The sympathy she got,
"... stop crying you'll mess up your bow." The girls had to be deprogrammed at the concept of everything having to be perfect throughout their foster care stay, let's just say that the "Mommy Dearest" concept is alive and thriving in some families still.

My adoption worker/placement worker is following up on the status today of our submissions to see if there has been any movement in them or not. We also should be starting the CDH training soon. But, either way, we are ready for the next phase, whether it be other children, or those children, we are just ready for different children.

Reset and begin again, hopefully we have learned somethings that we won't repeat this time. Hopefully *wink*

Yelling

How on earth do you change the habits of someone who yells ALL the time about everything?!? It's a product of his upbringing and no matter how much I remind him, he just thinks he is not yelling and raises his voice more. I am so tired of engaging this. I shut down and speak in a whisper and he thinks I am yelling at him!

If a grown man can't control himself, how does he expect to parent traumatized children who this can trigger? No matter how much we discuss it and he says he does better, every day, including in front of the current placement he just keeps doing it.

I am so sick of yelling matches! I know I need to disengage and just walk away, but it is a harpy and just keeps picking. He does it with everyone.

Have I made a huge mistake?